Friday, Jul 4, 2008
Savage Dan Savage softens up in fatherhood: Now he's a bitch with a burp rag.
Oct 1, 1999 | Has Dan Savage, writer of "Savage Love," a deliciously raunchy sex column read by 4 million people every week, been tamed? Can we still address him, as we always have in print, as "Hey, faggot!" ? Or do we call him Daddy? He has, after all, settled down, adopted a son and written a surprisingly moving memoir of the experience called "The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Get Pregnant."
The book, just published by Dutton, chronicles the remarkably short journey that Savage, whose column appears in 35 newspapers, and his boyfriend take to achieve fatherhood. Despite the expediency of their experience, the book is full of twists and turns, each subjected to Savage's snide and penetrating wit. And in an uncharacteristically wide-eyed mood, Savage provides a lovely tale about the thrill of anticipating a baby -- even when it isn't yours (by birth).
At a time when the gay-rights movement obsesses about same-sex marriage, Savage and Miller skipped the mundane battle and went straight to the rewards. They don't get married, they get pregnant -- sort of. It was a controversial move -- not just in the eyes of the usual queer-bashing suspects, but even among some of Savage's close gay and lesbian friends who accused him of selling out on years of gay liberation by embracing a heterosexual tradition.
Savage weathers this criticism much as he weathers all criticism, with acidic humor and very little genuine concern. Straight people have kids to make their lives more meaningful, says Savage, which essentially boils down to needing a hobby. Gay people need hobbies, too, he whines, and the idea of raising a family seemed more enticing to Savage and his boyfriend than the muscle, sex and Fire Island alternative or the DIY-home project, Martha Stewart, Graves tea kettle route favored by the over-30 urban gay population.
Savage even confesses some dubious reasons -- like perking up a pending book deal -- for the adoption. But he is quick to remind readers that he and his partner started the "lifelong adoption process" before he thought of writing a book about it.
When Savage, 34, met and fell in love with Terry Miller, 10 years his junior, both established quickly that they wanted kids. Two years into their relationship, the pair settled on a "lesbian-free baby option" by visiting an adoption agency. The Seattle couple chose to adopt in Portland, Ore., home to state laws favorable to adoptive parents -- a father who is absent at birth and six months after, for example, has no right to legal guardianship.
Ultimately Savage and Miller settled on open adoption -- a method that allows the birth mother to choose the adoptive parents and continue to have a relationship with the child throughout life.
Savage writes in his book that between six and 14 million children are being raised by gay or lesbian couples in the United States. It's a statistic that he believes will make it difficult for religious fundamentalists to legally challenge gay adoptions. Florida is currently the only state with a law that forbids adoptions by gay couples. Attempts to pass similar laws in Texas, Indiana, Utah, Oklahoma and Arizona have not been successful.
In an interview, Savage talked about his book, the experience of adopting as a gay man and his life as a father to son Daryl Jude.
Why did you decide to adopt?
I'm allergic to dogs, so I couldn't even adopt what gay men typically adopt when they have that maternal gene. We don't have uteruses and we can't just go out and buy $100 worth of sperm and knock ourselves up, much as we might enjoy trying. Adoption, ironically, is also the most autonomous and powerful way for gays to make a family. For most straight couples, adoptions are the least powerful way -- it's very destabilizing to heterosexual identity. To be a straight person and discover you're infertile is almost like discovering you're not a straight person. Gay sex can only ever make a mess and straight sex makes a life. For us, it was like, Woo-hoo!, we can do this. When I came out 20 years ago to myself, I thought I wouldn't be able to have kids. But I didn't really want them then anyway. As I got older, more things became possible. We went ahead and did an adoption because it was the most autonomy we could have as gay men and have a baby. We're not anti-women. We did an open adoption, which means the birth mother chose us and is involved. She comes for visits. We have a relationship with her. We're not running from women.
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