When I asked Ginger Ogle why she thinks attachment-parenting adherents in particular can be so strident, she said she thinks it's because this kind of parenting is a belief system, nearly a religion. "Some of these parents sincerely believe in attachment parenting, homeopathy, cloth diapers, breast-feeding, baby wearing, not vaccinating, etc., in exactly the same way that Southern Baptists sincerely believe in the death penalty, a strong military, the right to life, heterosexuality, and the Bible as the Word of God," Ogle said. While many baby wearers surely care little about what anyone else is doing, it is inarguable that certitude generally does not tolerate dissent. It responds to it with fury. Those of us whose parenting style can be described as "a series of reflexes, instincts, and minute-by-minute adjustments," as Julie of A Little Pregnant puts it, rather than as a philosophy, are less invested in our own practices. What we do is often less a matter of conviction than one of convenience. What we need to remember is that there is no need to apologize for that, even in the face of the most red-faced outrage.

It's also important to acknowledge that the impulse to tsk, tsk has probably been indulged, at one time or another, by all parents. I remember grocery shopping once, not long after my oldest child had been diagnosed with mercury poisoning. When I saw a pregnant woman tossing a few cans of canned tuna into her cart, I barreled over to her and launched into a diatribe during which the words "You really shouldn't" were repeated more than once. It was only when I finally noticed that she was sidling away down the aisle that it dawned on me that, whatever my intentions, whatever the truth of my claim, I had no business giving a lecture to a total stranger.

What is it about parenting that allows us to indulge our inner scold? Normally most of us don't feel particularly threatened about the choices other people make. You live in a split-level ranch, I live in a Craftsman bungalow. I might like my house more than yours -- I might even tell a friend I think your house is ugly -- but I'd never stop you on the street and tell you to do something about your aluminum siding. Sure each issue (even architecture) has its fanatics, but parenting seems to have more, and they're more vocal than most. Perhaps it's because there is so much at stake. Another parent's different approach raises the possibility that you've made a mistake with your child. We simply can't tolerate that because we fear that any mistake, no matter how minor, could have devastating consequences. So we proclaim the superiority of our own choices. We've lost sight of the fact that people have preferences.

As a parent, the only thing I am absolutely certain of is my own fallibility. I used disposable diapers because it's easier. I circumcised my sons because we're Jewish (though I cried wretchedly through the entire ceremony). I breast-fed my babies for as long as they would agree to it. I sleep-trained two of my children, Ferberizing one and Weissbluth-izing another. Abraham still sleeps in our bed sometimes, even though I'd much rather he'd sleep in his crib. I feed my kids organic food and milk, but I've also been known to buy the odd Lunchable. My kids are not allowed to watch TV during the week, but on weekends even the 2-year-old veges out to "The Simpsons."

There is little I do as a mother that can't be criticized, not least by myself. Parenting is incredibly hard work, even without having to look over your shoulder to make sure you're doing it the way the neighbors (actual and cyber) think you should. Let's all commit ourselves to the basic civility of minding our own business. Failing that, let's just go back to a time when we were nasty and judgmental, but only behind one another's backs. Enough of the complacent confrontation. Enough of the scolding.

Recent Stories