I cannot assuredly say whether you are making the right choices at this time. But I can share some general knowledge about day care, quality time, divorce and single parenting. Remember all of this is filtered through my biases and the biases of the society. For instance, I am not neutral about parents staying together or breaking up. I think, if at all possible -- except in cases involving physical abuse, extreme emotional abuse or substance abuse -- parents should stay together for the sake of the children. All children prefer that their parents remain together if possible.

I've discovered, through 25 years of talking to kids, that preteens and younger children are amazingly oblivious to parental discord. As kids get older, especially in their teenage years, they do become more aware of continuing marital distress and may actually wish their parents to separate. Long-term studies make clear that wives and children suffer economically after a divorce, but the emotional outcomes for children following a divorce are much less certain.

The two best-known researchers of the emotional impact of divorce on children have each followed a cohort of children after a divorce at least into their mid-20s. Judith Wallerstein says that children are irrevocably harmed, while Mavis Heatherington says outcomes are much more variable and often positive. Certainly no one insists that the love children receive must be limited to only two adults. As long as parents get along better after a divorce, children can do and accept love from parents, step-parents, and multiple sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Day care versus at-home parenting is another controversial issue in our society. In the 1970s, with women's liberation and the need for mothers to work along with fathers to maintain their families' living standards, much was made about the benign nature of early institutional child care. T. Berry Brazelton, this era's Dr. Spock, initially promoted and approved of "quality time" as an adequate substitute for at-home parenting. Over two decades, however, he became increasingly concerned about the quality of day care in America and has worked tirelessly to improve conditions nationally and has lobbied for better pay for child-care workers.

Long-term follow-up data on children in day care is not as reassuring as we had hoped back in the mid-70s. It turns out that most children raised in day care do just as well on cognitive and emotional measures as those with a parent at home. However, a subgroup of children, mostly boys, appear to do worse when there are preexisting problems in the mother-child relationship. Those kids, when they go to day care, tend to have worse behavioral and emotional problems than the kids who stay home with a parent. The reasons for this poorer outcome are not clear, and one could come up with a number of explanations. And while patterns are statistically accurate, these outcomes may not apply to any particular family.

For you personally, I hope that the guilt you feel about your divorce and going back to work doesn't compromise your ability to set limits for your son. Children need affection to feel valued -- and consistent, solid discipline to feel secure. Don't let your compassion for your son and what the two of you have gone through lead to an over-tolerance of his testing or misbehavior. It will only make things worse. From many years of working with post-divorce families, I often see a breakdown in discipline as the most common problem.

And while I commend your thoughtfulness, be careful that your worry about Joey doesn't become a problem in itself. Too much worry undermines a parent's readiness to act. Also, children can begin to pick up adult worry and become anxious kids -- or more anxious kids -- as a result.

So, Michelle, I offer you some perspectives and information on what is known. All the studies I mentioned reflect to some degree the cultural and institutional biases of the researchers. With experience and a bit of cynicism, I've come to believe that the data you get from any study is only as good as the basic assumptions made and questions asked by that study. At least I try to be clear about my biases.

You think a lot about your life with your son, and to some degree that's good. But don't let your self-reflection turn into self-criticism, because it will undermine you in so many ways. Good luck in finding the right balance -- moral and practical -- for you and your son.

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