I can't get arrested in this town!

When Celebrity Arrest Syndrome goes international.

By James Poniewozik

Mar 30, 1999 |

"An ongoing New York protest against the police shooting of an unarmed street vendor got a dose of Hollywood support this week. Activist Susan Sarandon and 218 others were arrested Thursday ..." -- "Names & Faces," Washington Post, March 27

Ronnie, hi, it's -- sorry honey, can you hold?

[Eight-minute pause.]

Hi, Ronnie, you're a sweetheart, that was my homeopath, he's impossible to actually get on the phone. So I called because the talk we had last week? About this is a transitional point in my career and we need to raise my profile and get me into quality projects? Well, I'm doing Pilates with the cable news on -- it helps me clear my mind and get centered -- and guess who I see? Susan Sarandon, on the television, prime time, getting arrested. Looking absolutely fucking drop-dead gorgeous, I could rip her throat out. Have you heard about this Amadou Diablo man in New York? Well, apparently the thing with this Diablo --

[Three-syllable pause.]

You see, Ronnie, this is exactly what I was talking about. The second-guessing and the corrections and the nit-picking. Do I have to remind you who could have jumped over to Ovitz when he came sniffing around? Fine, so this Di-OWL-o apparently had his rights violated by the New York police, really badly violated -- yes, well, I'd call that "violated," wouldn't you?

[Brief, apologetic pause.]

My point is, they wrote Sarandon up like she's Mother fucking Teresa. Blah blah blah chestnut-haired Oscar winner and activist. Blah blah blah commitment to social justice. Blah blah blah Tibet blah blah blah longtime actor-director companion. I don't know what page it's on. Laine found it on the Netscape and gave me the gist -- you know what my homeopath said about having newsprint in the house.

My point is, we both know there's room in this town for like three successful older actresses. After 40 I don't care how much Stairmaster you do, how much surgery you have: You need stature. You need -- Laine, what's that word? -- you need GRAVitas.

My point is, this Diablo thing is getting huge. Sarandon's there this week, next week you bet it'll be Alec Baldwin. After which Streisand, Tom and Nicole, pretty soon everybody's jumping in and it's over. We've got a narrow window. We need to get me arrested, Ronnie, and we need to get me arrested fast.

[Medium-length pause.]

[Long, icy responding pause.]

[Longer pause, with ample time for fumbling clarification.]

Oh and the Lifetime Original Movie was a good idea? "Torn Apart: A Surrogate Mother's Story" with Gabrielle Carteris? Listen, Ronnie, I am not ready to disappear for 40 years until they flash me for five seconds in the Academy Awards death reel. I want my fucking halo now. I want to be the Stepmom. I want to be Sister Whatshername with Sean Penn. You want to continue representing me, you call Ed Sharpton's agent, you call whoever you have to and you get my highly toned ass thrown in jail.

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