Wednesday, Aug 20, 2008
Sometimes awful, selfish, hurtful lying is the nicest thing a girl can do.
Jan 27, 2000 | Jan. 27, 2000
Tuesday, November 9
"So how do you like being in debt bondage?" Milt asked in a cheerful voice. I was lying back on my bed while he dressed -- something I never used to do. Usually, I bounce up, pull on a robe and fluff up the pillows, to signal the end of our session.
"It's almost bearable," I said with a petulant smirk.
During Milt's prolonged blow job, my mind and body were so far away from the problems I now face: My date tonight with Matt, which I'm dreading; the looming spectre of Tom Winters; April's spooky disappearance. And my raging hunger for Randy's phone call. Why hasn't he called? Something about the way he fucked me the other night has left me uncertain, shaken, and a day without hearing from him feels like a week. Why is it that the least dangerous of my problems -- a sweet guy who happens not to call -- is beginning to feel like the biggest one I've ever had? I'm losing my grip on reality.
At times like this, the hardest clients make life easier. Putting your body to work makes you forget ambivalence, grief, terror, even jealousy, in a way that "real" sex never does. Milt makes my craving for Randy's call more bearable and my fear of losing Matt seem transitory.
Now that my body's unemployed for the next few hours, I'm wondering if April is in New York, planning to make trouble for Milton. I feel guilty about hiding from him what I know about her. But yesterday, when he requested a three-way, I had no problem lying to him: I told him I couldn't find another girl for the job -- the first time I've turned down extra money from Milt for bringing in an extra girl.
I'd like to think this means I'm outgrowing petty avarice but -- my real reason for keeping Milt to myself? I enjoy our forbidden kisses, though I tell him they're delivered under duress. I have to protect my reputation in front of the other girls -- Nancy doesn't kiss -- yet I look for an excuse to make an exception for him. Why?
After Milton left, I called my lawyer: "My boyfriend's still pissed off and suspicious," I said, "and Tom Winters has been bothering him at his office! He wants Matt to come in and answer some questions. If Matt's boss finds out about any of this, if anyone in Matt's office hears that his girlfriend's a -- that I'm in this business -- it will ruin Matt's life! Barry, I'm dreading my date with him tonight. He asked me twice what Winters is talking about and he --"
"Calm down," Barry told me. "Now that Winters knows I represent you, he's barred from talking to you directly. So he's starting in on your friends and maybe your family. That's a problem. But if your boyfriend's also represented, the same rules apply. You can tell him not to meet Winters without a lawyer but please don't tell him to lie --"
"I've gotta break up with this guy!" I exploded. "He'll never understand! And what about my trip to San Francisco? He'll never understand that either! All my lies are catching up with me," I moaned.
"This is totally beyond the call of duty," he added. "And I will not bill you for this, but I have some valuable advice. Don't be afraid of your boyfriend's suspicions. This guy's in love with you. No girl is perfect. The good-looking ones are, by definition, problematic. Every guy knows that. The biggest problem you working girls have is not the laws -- any smart hooker can work her way around those. And it's not society's censure. Do you know what it is?"
"What?" I said crossly.
"You girls are so busy covering your tracks that your boyfriends never have a chance to experience jealousy! Let this guy have a reason to be jealous."
"But -- but --"
"You just don't get it, do you? Every time he thinks he has a reason, you disappoint him. Give him the works. You'll make his day."
Or give him an excuse to break up with me. Which, the more I think about it, is the best outcome -- I can't do it myself without explaining everything.
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