Love is just a moment

Interestingly, the two panelists who were not professional feminists -- Ackerman and Bloom -- seemed by far the most tough-minded and the least willing to play along with this "just between us girls" atmosphere. Despite their best efforts, it was hard not to feel that you were watching a cross between ABC's girl-talk show "The View" and a New Age-flavored relationship workshop.

To be sure, some interesting comments were made along the way. Hooks said that many women in their 20s were telling her that they were making as much money as the men but had no time for love because everyone was working so much. She noted that the political right, with its critique of women in the work force, had taken over the issue of the time crunch and its effect on relationships. Bloom -- who was frankly skeptical of the notion that one couldn't find the time for a relationship one really cared about -- suggested that it is avoidance of intimacy, with its messiness and its risk of failure, that sends many people into work overdrive.

Ackerman managed to talk about her life with her partner of 30 years in a way that was genuinely moving without being corny or exhibitionistic. In many ways, she said, they don't have the same ideas or values -- she loves nature, he's indifferent to it -- yet they are bound by a sensuous, generous mutual devotion: "We tell people we stay with each other for the sake of the children -- each is the other's child." At the start of the discussion, everyone agreed that feminism and love were not in opposition; maybe I only imagined the brief, awkward silence after Bloom added that if they were, love would always win. Eventually, though, it turned out that the harmony wasn't complete.

Steinem and hooks were clearly uneasy with the primacy of romantic love. Hooks suggested that if people were looking too intently for someone special, it was because they didn't have a circle of you-know-what. Steinem was especially scornful of the idea of looking for a person who will complete you, and suggested that "self-discovery" was more exciting than romance. "Traditionally, for women, finding somebody was a demarcation; everything would be OK after that," she said. "In reality, love is just a moment, this great rush of oneness."

Ackerman and Bloom stuck up for romantic love. "I don't think love is a moment or a demarcation," said Bloom. "But if you're lucky, it can become part of the work of your life."

The liveliest moments actually came during the question-and-answer period. A middle-aged woman who introduced herself as Taffy complained, "When we marched in the '70s, I thought we would put an end to women being treated as objects, but now I see it getting worse and worse. Men are trading in women like cars." She was especially piqued by Jack Nicholson's choice of a young girlfriend.

Interestingly, it was Steinem, known for her own share of apocalyptic claims about the plight of women, who replied that things have changed and women do have more options today. (Ackerman chimed in with a reminder that women, too, trade in their partners for trophy mates.) More interestingly, Taffy's suggestion, "We should organize again," drew only a weak, scattered splash of applause.

A version of female empowerment much more after the audience's heart was offered by a feisty young woman named Jeanie who took issue with another audience member's gripe about women who will place romance above sisterhood and cancel a dinner with women friends if they have a date with a man. "I think we're being very hard on women," Jeanie said. "Guys will cancel plans with their male buddies if they have a date with a woman and the prospect of having sex, but we don't put them down for it. What's wrong with saying, 'I don't want to go out with my friends, I want to get laid?'" (Appreciative laughter and applause.)

The irrepressible Jeanie went on to question Steinem's assertion that finding oneself was much more important than finding another person; however, she put an unexpected twist on the quest for Mr. Right. She invoked Vladimir Nabokov's wife Vera, who came to all his lectures, helped him in his work and took care of his personal and social life, only she saw herself in Vladimir's part, not Vera's. "I want someone who will be completely devoted to my work."

There was some dispute on the panel as to whether Vera Nabokov was a servile wife under her husband's thumb (Bloom vehemently disagreed), but Jeanie was not deterred. "That's what I want!" she cried. "I want a husband under my thumb!"

I didn't know whether to admire her willingness to deny not only traditional feminine roles but feminist pieties about nonhierarchical relationships, or to lament the double standard that allows women to say things no man these days could get away with saying openly. In fairness to Jeanie, she did add that the helpmate role had its own rewards, but those were clearly not the rewards she was after. She wanted, as Ackerman succinctly put it, a wife. A male wife.

Next Page: If anyone said anything about the outlook for love in the new century, I missed it

• View blog reactions