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Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
Plus: A heartwarming story about two men and a commode.
Dec 27, 2001 | Can you hear that noise?
Click, click. Roar. Click, click.
That's the sound of "Survivor's" rating points dropping on the African Savannah.
It's day 31, and besides the euphemistically colorful Big Tom, there's not a single personality left out here in Africa. Snippy Brandon, chuckle-headed Silas, gun-nut Frank, even the infuriating Lindsey -- they're all extinct.
Villains have been the appeal on shows like "Survivor." That's certainly what made the plotting, conniving, first season so superior to the warm-and-fuzzy second. We loved hissing at the bad guys.
The campers don't. For some reason they'd rather not suffer eccentricities of bitchy bartenders or revved-up New Agey spiritualists. Bad guys get their due on "Survivor."
That's not so good for us armchair survivors. Now there's no one to hate. The six left are as annoying as horseflies.
It's hard to watch horseflies for an hour.
We used to be embarrassed that we watched the show. Now we're ashamed.
The "Survivor" producers need a new format, fast. We hope that they're going to arm all but one of the contestants with elephant guns and turn it into one of those big-game safari manhunts -- like that movie Ice T was in and no one saw.
With any luck Lex will be first.
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Tattooed Lex really isn't a villain. The only thing that suffers at his will are cheap metaphors.
But he's an asshole anyway, and it doesn't matter if he comes with inked biceps and double-pierced ears. He's still got "middle manager" tattooed across his forehead. He reminds us of one of those bosses who tries to act all hip and down with the proletariat while watching everyone's timesheets and reporting half-days to human resources.
Last episode, you'll remember, he avoided a possible rout by winning immunity. At the start of this episode, he's killing time, making a bracelet with soccer star Ethan's help.
Ethan slams him, but Ethan being Ethan, it comes out all nice: "I'm surrounded by people I enjoy, yet I'm so alone."
We halfway get it.
But it turns out that this really isn't a dis, or even a jock's perspective on one of the great existential certainties of the human condition. It's merely an introduction to the reward challenge.
Segue!
A scant 30 seconds have passed and we're already into the reward challenge. What's going on? Are the producers really going to try a new format?
Click, click. Roaaar.
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The reward challenge starts off with taped video messages from the remaining survivors' families. This is a "Survivor" perennial, and it can have its virtues. Who can forgot that tantalizing glimpse of Susan Hawk's hubby on "Survivor" I?
We're thinking the one from the family of Big Tom, the over-earthy Virginia goat farmer, is going to be a don't-miss experience.
