Reality wrap-up
I know, I know. You don't even watch TV. Just keep playing along nice like I taught you, and I'll buy you something soft and pretty.

You want to know a secret? I'll tell you this, because you're my "friend": No matter how much I look forward to them, reality TV finales almost always leave me cold. For some reason, the second the winner is announced, I don't care anymore. I don't care who won. I don't care who lost. I don't care about any of the other contestants or about any other aspect of any of it. All I can think is: Why did this matter to me a week ago? I look back on the days when I speculated energetically about who would win, and I think: God, I was so young and naive back then! So full of curiosity and joie de vivre! And yet, now, it all seems like a big waste of time.

Take the "America's Next Top Model" finale. By the time Nicole won it all, all I could think about was what a big dork she was. Suddenly, I didn't care that Lisa was one of the best "ANTM" contestants yet; I didn't care what would happen to Kim or Bre or any of them. By the time Tyra Banks' "ANTM" reunion show rolled around, the whole thing made me cringe. Why does Tyra always seem like she's doing a manic impression of Oprah? Why is she so bossy and defensive every time any of the girls tries to tell the world how crazy-making and unbearable being on the show was? Remember a year ago, when it seemed like Tyra's ego had reached its natural bloated maximum weight? God, we were so young and naive back then!

Then there was the finale of "The Amazing Race: Family Edition," which turned out to be a bigger disappointment than anyone thought possible, even the naysayers who hated it from the first episode. Can you believe the teams never even left the continent? If it's not going to be a race around the world at all, if it's only going to be a race around America in an R.V., you'd think someone could clue us in at the start of the season. Not only that, but the challenges were so incredibly boring and easy. They weren't all that bad at first -- the rowboat across the river was hard; so was the Amish carriage -- but they went downhill fast. Ride a bicycle, build a teepee, log on to AOL? Please. And then it all boils down to a big puzzle of North America, basically a third-grader's homework assignment. Naturally, the Linzes, who are operating at about a third-grade level, won the million dollars.

Ooo, those Linzes, with their bad jokes and their constant high-fiving! Has a more repellent team ever won "The Amazing Race"? Those awful brothers, three of them indistinguishable from each other, beyond the fact that the medium-size one never shuts up. Meredith, that pathetic sad-sack sister who was always lagging behind and begging for approval from the three oafs. And what were the words of wisdom they imparted when they won? Some kind of a chant in which they refer to themselves as "dem Linzes"? Who let these charmless miscreants onto our television screens in the first place?

Let's move on to the "Survivor" finale so I can push those Linz monsters out of my mind. "Survivor" wasn't so bad this season, really -- at least some worthy players made it to the end. Country boys Jamie and Bobby Jon provided plenty of entertainment, and when you throw in crazy dumb lunk Judd, you've got yourself a nice three-ring circus of unfocused testosterone. In the end, though, the women (plus Rafe) found a way to get rid of all three of them, and that was satisfying.

The big disappointment for me was that Rafe didn't win. Rafe was the mastermind behind the game this time -- without him, Stephenie and Danni really didn't stand a chance. So why did he tell Danni that she didn't have to honor her promise to take him to the final two? He basically did it because he cared about Stephenie and felt bad when she was clearly going to be eliminated after screwing up the final immunity challenge. Bad, bad Rafe! Forget Stephenie -- think of yourself for a second!

Naturally, that was all Danni needed to do the wrong thing. Forget that she was dragged to the end by Rafe -- she repaid him by voting him off. As idiotic as it is to expect anything but selfishness on these shows, I still hate it when players don't do the honorable thing, and they still win in the end. It doesn't matter along the way if people screw each other over -- that's just part of the game. But at the end, when the last person takes someone unlikable to the final two instead of bringing the person who got them there? It seems wrong.

But then, as evidenced by the finale of "The Apprentice," as a viewer, you really only care about whether someone does the "right thing" if you agree with the outcome. Soon after the eminently likable yet vaguely absent-minded Randal was hired by Trump, Trump asked him if he thought Trump should hire Rebecca as well. Randal's response? "Hell, no! Tonight is my night to shine, motherf---ers!" Just seeing the stiff smile on Rebecca's robot face made it all worthwhile.

But that's because I didn't want anything to steal Randal's thunder. Of course Trump should hire Rebecca (although, as far as I can tell, she's some kind of management robot manufactured in Japan that Trump is insidiously promoting for some serious under-the-table payola), but he shouldn't do it on prime-time television just because it makes him look like a good guy, and attracts attention to the finale.

Actually, you have to hand it to Trump. Even when his show is quickly fading from the spotlight, he knows how to pump up his press with an unexpected twist. And really, the survival of all of these shows depends on their ability to add new twists -- the next season of "Survivor" now includes some kind of solitary banishment to a scary island for each player. Hopefully, they won't learn the hard way, "Amazing Race"-style, that their new twist sucks rotten eggs.

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