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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
Why TV not only keeps you happy, but also binds the galaxy together. Plus: The predictable charms of "The O.C."
Summer Roberts, Ryan Atwood, Marissa Cooper, Seth Cohen of "The O.C."
Dec 18, 2005 | On purpose
As the year draws to a close, many of us find ourselves wondering what purpose TV serves in our lives. Maybe it's those disappointing reality finales, maybe it's just pre-holiday angst, but either way, we want some answers. Thankfully, after several hours of soul-searching, meditation and chanting, I came up with the following list.
What Purpose Does TV Serve in Our Lives?
1) TV distracts us from the drudgery of our jobs. If we came home every night after working all day, and we didn't have something flashy and stupid on TV to distract us, we might sit and think about our dumb jobs all night, and then we wouldn't sleep well, and then the next morning we'd go to work all grumpy and tired, and within a few weeks, we'd probably quit our jobs. Eventually, we might look for more meaningful work in another field, work that might actually matter to us, that might be a little less tedious and unbearable. But in order to look for more meaningful work, first we'd have to update our résumés. Think about it. Do you really want to update your résumé? Of course you don't.
2) TV keeps us from focusing on our spouse's shortcomings. Marriage isn't easy. You choose someone, someone who looks good to you, sounds good to you, smells good to you -- you know, someone you might not mind sharing a bed, table, couch and toilet with for the balance of your days on earth. You know how it works: Every morning, you roll over and smell that person, and maybe they don't stink, so you don't file for divorce that day. Now, if you didn't have that box of televised entertainments in the living room, you would probably expect the person who shares your bed at night to entertain you. And that's just crazy! That person may not smell all that bad, but that doesn't mean that he or she can do what a table full of professional comedians and dramatists are paid millions of dollars each year to do! Remember, your spouse is just a mortal, someone whose existence you can almost tolerate if you squint your eyes and plug your ears and hum to yourself most of the time. You need TV to make your marriage work. If it weren't for "America's Next Top Model," you two would have nothing to talk about, and you'd probably be meeting with your lawyer right now instead of reading this.
3) TV keeps us from spoiling our children with too much attention. Children think that they're the center of the universe already. You give them some attention, and that little myopia problem is only going to get worse. Trust me, the more you talk to your children, the more they think it's all about them. The more they think it's all about them, the less likely they are to do their chores without whining about going to see "King Kong." The more they whine about wanting to see "King Kong," the more likely you are to yell at them, which will make them cry, since it's all about them. Then you'll feel all guilty and you'll spend the next few days thinking about what a crappy parent you are. Paying attention to your kids always ends up being really traumatic for you and them. Don't your kids deserve better? Instead of disappointing them constantly, you should really let someone far more capable like Dr. Phil or Oprah or SpongeBob parent them for you. Just turn on the TV and hand them a bag of those delicious little powdered doughnuts. They'll love you much more this way, I guarantee it.
4) TV keeps us from wanting more from our lives. You know how this fall was going to be a big time of growth and renewal for you? You were going to start going to Pilates classes and writing poetry and rethinking your priorities, and then the new season of "Veronica Mars" started and it was clear that her quest to solve the school bus mystery was far more important than the strength of your core muscles. If "Veronica Mars" hadn't bailed you out, you might be on a path to aggressive self-improvement right now, instead of half-assing everything like you've always done. There's a reason you half-ass everything, though, don't you see? Because if you turned the lens of your obsessive, unsatisfied personality onto your life, not only would you be utterly disgusted with yourself, but you'd never get a minute's rest. You'd get all toned and spiritually centered and organized, and your friends and family wouldn't even recognize you. Everyone would say, "Wow, you've really gotten your shit together!" but you wouldn't have time to chat, because you'd have an organic berry pie in the oven, two loads of laundry to fold in the bedroom, and a yoga class in 10 minutes. Come on! That isn't you! That kind of person doesn't even order a chocolate shake with her hamburger and fries. What kind of a life is that?
5. TV makes our lives seem relatively happy. Sad, stressful, upsetting stuff happens on TV all the time. People get murdered or sent to jail or eaten by sharks. People get divorced and cheat on their wives and lose their jobs. Even on reality TV, everyone loses except for one person, and that one person is usually pretty unlikable. When your life is lame in a bunch of small ways -- your wife is bossy, your credit card debt is piling up, your dog has a farting problem -- it feels pretty soothing to watch lives that are falling apart in lots of big ways. Sure, you're not sleeping well and your car needs new brakes, but at least you're not an undercover agent infiltrating a terrorist sleeper cell!
In short, TV is the superglue that's holding our fractured lives together. There, now, don't you feel a lot better about all the TV you watch?
