Monday, Sep 8, 2008
TV warns us of the dangers of drunk dialing, sleeping in a lacy slip, and electing a ruby-red-lipped president. Plus: Why the challenged kids of "Laguna Beach" are people, too.
Oct 9, 2005 | Curiously strong
There's too much to watch, damn it! Despite reports that indicate otherwise, this fall TV season is one of the strongest in years. Not only can you count on the return of such solid shows as "Arrested Development," "Veronica Mars," "Lost," "House" and "Grey's Anatomy," but there are also consistent reality staples like "America's Next Top Model," "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race" to count on. And that's before you even get into the really solid new shows like "Everybody Hates Chris," "My Name Is Earl," "Threshold" and "Commander in Chief," not to mention enjoyably crappy shows like "The Surreal Life" and "My Fair Brady."
But with this much TV to watch, how will any of us ever find a minute to open our mail or run a comb through our hair, let alone harangue our children, berate our significant others, and betray the confidences of our dearest friends? By offering us so many choices on the small screen, TV executives seem determined to take up every last minute of our free time until we're hollow shells of our former selves, with nothing to say about anything but how much we enjoy the opening credits to Martha Stewart's "Apprentice."
Here's a tip, chickens: On those days you think you've got it really bad, just do what I do and tune in to MTV's "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County." When you see the endless challenges that those poor kids are up against, day after day, you'll realize just how easy your life is by comparison.
Friends, for reals!
But before we get into the details of the show, let's stop and congratulate MTV for bringing such groundbreaking programming to the screen. No other network has taken such a genuine interest in these very special kids, not only by raising public awareness of their plight but also by investing in their social environments and creating fun, safe activities and opportunities for them to meet other kids like themselves.
The hard work MTV has put into this project is clearly already paying off. Not only do the kids of "Laguna Beach" not seem to be embarrassed about their obvious cognitive challenges, but they seem downright proud of the very limitations that might make other kids feel self-conscious. Whatever self-esteem-boosting games MTV has these kids involved in, they should keep up the good work.
But what really warms my heart is how these struggling teens have adapted to the point where they can play elaborate games of make-believe with each other. In their fascinating little microcosm, they've even developed intricate rules and codes that are impossible for the rest of us to grasp. Like last week, when Jessica, fresh off a perceived "romance" with Jason, turned her sights on Jeff and said, in her cute way, that she was "way into him," which apparently was some kind of a code for Kristen to make out with him immediately. The self-serious way they pretend at "true love" is so affecting, especially when they get all mixed up and confused and can't remember which guy is going out with which girl from week to week.
It's especially heartwarming when they try, using their limited language skills, to confront each other! I loved the adorable way Alex stumbled on her words when she was trying to call Jessica a slut right to her face for fooling around with her "boyfriend" Jason, even though Jason was actually Jessica's "boyfriend" just weeks earlier!
These kids truly are remarkable, and MTV has seized on a fantastic opportunity to simultaneously educate the public and to offer these poor kids a chance, albeit brief, to feel just like normal teenagers. I can't wait for "the prom"!
Kiddo gloves
Of course, while MTV makes an honest effort to effect real change and to shed a new light on the possibilities for these so-called developmentally challenged teens, other networks go too far in their attempts to pander to our most open-minded and liberal urges.
Take ABC's "Commander in Chief." Naturally, they don't really expect us to believe that a woman will ever even come close to being president. I mean, come on. A woman? President? Ha! This country would sooner elect a very clever monkey or a talented parrot or an adorable little doggie as president. ABC may think that it's doing us a big favor by bringing such a fantasy to the small screen, but really, they're just manipulating and tormenting us, like tossing back four or five icy cold beers in front of your alcoholic friend who's only on Step 2.
And even if, through some crazy twist of fate like the one depicted on the show (Geena Davis' character is the independent vice president to a Republican president who dies), a woman were president, all anyone would talk about would be her great big juicy red lips anyway. After the polls showed that most people didn't approve of her red lips, the lady president would start wearing more muted shades, and eventually she would have to spend all her time baking cookies so as not to make the thin-lipped cookie-bakers out there feel insecure.
Plus, if Mrs. President were calm yet firm, striding around the White House issuing orders -- like Geena Davis does on "Commander in Chief" -- without forever second-guessing herself, news would leak out that she was arrogant and bossy and difficult. And if she dared to ask her advisors for guidance on anything, word would get out that she was wishy-washy and flinchy and too weak on foreign policy -- you know, just like President Carter, except without the nards.
In fact, without the reassurance of external genitalia, the American people would inevitably voice their concerns about the safety and stability and continuing dominance of America on the global stage. Reporters would start to speculate that the economy might falter with the entire nation facing such a crisis of confidence -- and then the economy would falter, and everyone would finally have a chance to blame a woman for everything from rising gas prices to the failure of Social Security. Sure, most of us kind of blame Angelina Jolie for this stuff already, but blaming a president with huge lips would be even better.
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