Devil inside
OK, it's a little premature, but let's go ahead and tackle "Situation: Comedy" (premieres Tuesday, July 26, at 8 p.m. on Bravo) while we're on the topic of Wannabe TV, because that means I won't have to waste my time writing about it next week. (See how my attitude is suffering from all this shitty summer television? You really wouldn't believe how erratic my behavior has been lately. Just yesterday I deleted "I Want to Be a Hilton," "The Real Gilligan's Island" and "Blow Out" without even watching them!)

But don't cry for me, chicken tacos. Just take my word for it that "Situation: Comedy" is the same species of wannabe tedium, the sort that screams to be erased halfway through the first episode.

Here's how it works: First you take a bunch of comedy writers and show runners whose personalities are anything but made-for-TV, and throw in one comedy star (Sean Hayes) who could be silly and outrageous and fun (he supposedly is, in real life) but instead chooses to wear his "I'm a serious guy" hat to this gig. It's boring. Then you introduce the wannabes. And not only are they wannabes, but they're wannabe sitcom writers, so they don't even look good.

Next you toss in some studio executives, i.e., tossers. This part is sort of amusing, actually, because you get to witness firsthand how these incredible geniuses make all those great decisions that bring you "Life According to Jim" and "Hope & Faith" and "Two and a Half Men" year after year after year. (Yes, I know, "Two and a Half Men" is a huge hit, which means that it's scientifically proven to be super-duper funny.)

One of the wannabes, for example, has a really bad idea for a sitcom. Basically, there's this guy, and he has a bunch of wacky roommates. That's it. That's the whole idea. But the wannabe practices his pitch over and over. After he delivers it, the sitcom writers and show runners and studio people all look at each other and say, "That was a great pitch!" In other words, he's a bad writer with unoriginal ideas but ... he just made us laugh in person! That was fun! Hire him!

It's also mildly amusing when the wannabes start to draw lines in the sand and insist on not compromising their standards. Ha ha ha! Standards! You do know this is television, right? Are you OK? Did you think you were at NYU film school for a second there? Dude, that was funny!

But basically, this is "Project Greenlight," except with crappy sitcoms instead of a crappy movie, and no Chris Moore in sight. Unless Sean Hayes starts pounding Frappuccinos and wearing his boxer briefs on his head, I'm out.

Suicide blondes
Of course, the most pathetic denizens of the wannabe genre populate "The Real World." These are dreamers who don't dream of becoming chefs or models or even male strippers, they dream of becoming ... stars of "The Real World."

Since the producers have long since abandoned the original goal of enlightening rednecks about gays and blacks about whites and so on (all the kids in the house know about that stuff already anyway, from watching every season of "The Real World" ever), the show is free to focus full-time on following the kids around as they get drunk, get naked, and get into fist-fights with the locals, not necessarily in that order.

In accordance with this shift in focus, "The Real World" no longer features a house filled with odd-looking oddballs or thoughtful weirdos or ignorant hayseeds. Instead, we get six extremely hot, extremely fit drinkers, and one slightly nerdy virgin to make sure none of them get killed. That's no joke, either: On the first episode, one kid gets his face smashed to bits in a brawl and has to have surgery. And last week, the nerdy virgin had to wrangle three stumbling-drunk hotties home at once.

What's the deal with body shots? Why do these kids love them so much? Watching them suck tequila out of each other's bellybuttons makes me feel 3,000 years old. Apparently I'm not the only one: A reader from Austin wrote to me last week and proclaimed his total dismay and confusion, having watched his first episode of "The Real World" ever only to discover that his niece's favorite show celebrates the drunken antics of a gaggle of pretty half-wits.

If you like that sort of thing, though, clearly this season of "The Real World" will not disappoint. My only objection is that the show has clearly evolved into pornography, but the producers are still in denial about it, so it's all bad dialogue and unbelievable scenarios without the money shot.

What we really need -- and don't lie, you need it, too -- is to see these whippersnappers actually performing sex acts on each other. Come on, that's not too much to ask from fame-hungry, drunken, whoring sea donkeys, is it? Move the show to pay-per-view or Cinemax, and replace those under-the-sheets shots with naked butt-pumping glory!

Boobastank
Just to prove that I am, indeed, 3,000 years old, let me add that no, of course I didn't miss the finale of "Dancing With the Stars" (see also: The Best Show of the Summer), and I was a little disappointed with the results. Now, I'll admit, Kelly Monaco has a belly that cries out for tequila shots. I'll also admit that she's plucky and likable and I've been rooting for her over, say, Rachel Hunter or Evander Holyfield. I'll even admit that she's very fit and flexible and therefore very good at those crazy lifts and back walkovers and other sexually perverse athletic stunts. But girlfriend can't dance. She can shimmy, sure, she can shake it, but she can't actually dance. So I was annoyed that she won, and irritated that the judges all gave her three 10s in her last performance when, well, it was flashy but the dancing wasn't any good.

John O'Hurley (J. Peterman from "Seinfeld") can dance. He can't shake his ass, and his gut doesn't cry out for tequila, but he can dance. Fit little bunny rabbits may be taking over the universe (and more power to them), but this is a show called "Dancing With the Stars." Remember? Let's say it together: "Dancing With the Stars"! Now, can we please hold on to our creaky Lawrence Welk values for long enough to vote for the guy who does a mean quick-step, instead of being hypnotized by big, bouncing boobies?

Who am I kidding? Big, bouncing boobies win every time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pop quiz!
1. We learned so many important lessons this week! But which was the most important?

a. Big, bouncing boobies win every time.
b. Only very old drunks remember INXS.
c. The only thing worse than wanting to be a soap star is dragging out your best fist-pumping, hip-thrusting rocker moves for a screaming fraudience on a reality show, just to join a band that only very old drunks remember.
d. People involved in making TV aren't fun to watch on TV.
e. "The Real World" is just cheap pornography without any of the naked butt-pumping glory.
f. Sometimes deleting pointless reality shows from your TiVo without watching them can be very thrilling, particularly if a herd of whoring sea donkeys armed with flaming Jägermeister shots and fruit-flavored condoms stampedes in right after that.

Answer Key: 1. a.

Next week: Of mind freaks and men! Plus: MTV2's "Wonder Showzen" blows my fragile mind!

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