The only scenes really worth watching are those with Ari the Agent in them, since Jeremy Piven is hilarious and hits the Hollywood bullshitter note perfectly every time. But take out Ari, and all you've got is "The Mind of the Unmarried Man," except with slightly prettier extras. And look, this isn't about busting taboos: Most women are smart enough to know that men are dirty, bad dogs who want to hump any hound with four legs and an intriguing scent. But if you're going to get a pack of dogs together, you've really got to make sure that they're not just whining and sniffing each other's butts the whole time.

What you forget when you watch "Entourage" is that packs of men can be extremely entertaining. Remember "Swingers"? Vince Vaughn was a dog, but he was a clever, charming, hilarious, sometimes openly pathetic dog. We won't begrudge a clever dog, ever. But a flatly uninteresting, foul-looking pussy hound like Turtle (Jerry Ferrara)? Booo! We've met that guy, and he bugged the crap out of us, and we met him again, and he bugged the crap out of us again, and we met him again ... That guy is everywhere. He's the guy who thinks his dumb comments about tricking women into bed are hysterical. He's the E.B. Farnum of the modern world, a totally unenviable jackass. Do we really want to see that guy get laid by hot girls? No. We'd like to see him getting a major wedgy from his sadistic boss at Carl's Jr. for not dropping fries in a timely manner.

And don't get me wrong, the voyeuristic aspects of the show are great -- of course we should go to great parties and buy expensive stuff and film idiotic blockbusters. We want to do those things. But please, a little more depth, a few original turns on the "Look, a party filled with hot girls!" theme, a little more darkness, a few moments of disillusionment or -- most likely of all -- boredom with the inane banter and endless brown-nosing. But most important, give at least one of those four guys a personality. Kevin Dillon's has-been Johnny at least has a shtick, and Vince (Adrian Grenier) is, I guess, appropriately self-serving. But look at Eric (Kevin Connolly), the supposedly smart guy, who never, ever, ever says anything remotely original or clever. I mean, if you can't even count on the Smart One to say something insightful or witty, how screwed are you?

Idiot guys can be fun to watch: Remember those scenes in "Swingers" where Vince Vaughn and his friend are playing a video game at home, and they end up wrestling on the floor? It's absurdly silly and funny. Unfortunately, all Eric and Turtle and company do is stand around in their big kitchen, exchanging the same lines:

Vince: Eric, I'm the boss of you.

Eric: Yeah, I know. Ari better call me back soon!

Drama: You think there's a part in that film for me, too, buddy?

Turtle: Aww, shuddup, guys. Let's go get laid!

The writers of this show set the bar way too low. They've got a great premise, a world of possibilities from dramatic to dark to absurd, plotwise, and an endless number of fun settings. So why are the characters about as interesting as those guys in the corner at the party making bad jokes about jerking off? Is it so hard for a room full of writers to come up with a good joke about jerking off?

In summary
Winners of the week: Willie Nelson, Jeremy Piven, the Latin Snake, Oprah, the fudge pot, Vince Vaughn, good wanking jokes.

Losers of the week: Tom Cruise, the Kneeling Fist-Clenching "Yes!," saving oneself for marriage, automatic rifles, baby voices, boots that were made for walkin', Turtle the Intolerable Jackass, lame writers who set the bar too low.

You know what, though? Whether we can think of a good joke about jerking off or not, whether we trample Oprah's butter-yellow couch or enjoy our fudge pot all alone in front of a 50-inch screen, we're all the same in God's eyes: worthless, feeble and pathetic.

Next week: If you could be a character from "Six Feet Under," which one would you be? [And just FYI, it's perfectly reasonable to pick Nate's brother-in-law, just so you can kill Lisa.]

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