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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
It's official: Dating virgins makes you insane! Plus: Jessica Simpson stomps all over Willie Nelson, and "Entourage" proves success sucks if you have to bring along your jackass friends.
May 30, 2005 | Cruise control
Speaking out for the first time over recent behavior by Tom Cruise, President Bush labeled the actor's outspoken swooning over actress Katie Holmes on Oprah "divisive" and "a serious threat to national security." In response, Tom Cruise pulled back from the brink of confrontation, pledging to swoon "more quietly," thereby delaying the chances of being referred to the U.N. Security Council for possible sanctions in the wake of statements and gesticulations credited with destabilizing most of the Western Hemisphere.
In talks in Geneva involving senior publicists, managers, agents and a stylist Cruise refers to as his "boy," a two-month breathing space was agreed to, meaning that Tom could continue to stay up late sexing up his teen dream, then ordering in fantastic pizza and "fudge pots" to their luxury hotel suite, but U.S. officials have obtained a "cease and desist" that aims to put a halt to open smooching and jumping up and down on Oprah's custom-made butter-yellow leather couch.
Cruise is also forbidden from making any and all gestures originating from his film "Risky Business" to demonstrate his overwhelming love for Holmes, including but not limited to the Jacknife Fall, the Rapid Couch High-Step, and the Kneeling, Fist-Clenching "Yes!" Similar sanctions were imposed against Holmes, who's expressly forbidden from winking, grinning widely while her face is within 2 inches of Cruise's, and/or mouthing the words "I love you" on national television.
The agreement -- if it sticks, and according to Western diplomats Cruise is a notoriously tricky negotiator, regularly "reinterpreting" what had been agreed to and doing exactly what his little heart desires instead -- means that Cruise should be referred to the Security Council when Cruise and Holmes are next spotted groping each other or whispering about "fudge pots" in public.
"Falling in love is the best!" said Homeland Security advisor Harlan Nitsnickner in a prepared statement. "But when Tom Cruise goes on national television and does the Kneeling, Fist-Clenching 'Yes!'? Our diplomatic relations with several countries are so fragile at this time that such blatant, unseemly flaunting constitutes a serious setback in security efforts."
However, panicked administration officials have been somewhat soothed by recent reports suggesting that Cruise is getting about as much play behind closed doors as he does in front of the cameras, explaining the manic edge to his demeanor, which has shaken the Western world at its very core. As one administration insider so succinctly put it, "He just needs to get laid."
Duty calls!
Just to remind you of where this game of diplomatic brinkmanship inevitably ends, take a gander at Nick and Jessica (see also: the couple formerly known as the Happiest Most Sexually Satisfied Newlyweds on the Planet), who were rumored to have filed for divorce the day after their mind-bendingly insipid but aptly titled special "Nick and Jessica: Tour of Duty" aired on ABC. (E! later retracted the story.)
It's a testament to the state of my finale-soaked psyche that I even care, but I feel that celebrities who boast about their brilliant relationships really do the unwashed masses a disservice by creating the impression that they don't bicker and chide and twist the knife just as much as the rest of us. While it's nice to be airbrushed and stupid-sexy and filthy rich, true love doesn't discriminate against the hairy and the toadlike, and you can still jump up and down on your couch over how much you love your girl, even when she's got tree-trunk ankles and her mama grows milkweed.
You see, that was my favorite "your mama"-themed insult when I was about 6: "Your mama grows milkweed!" And if I were at Nick and Jessica's concert in Iraq, I would've stood right up front and yelled it at them until someone dragged me out of there.
Now, I don't need to tell you, tuna tartare tartlets, that Nick and Jessica's concert not only sucked, but was hideously ill-considered and deeply depraved. From the footage of Jessica shooting an automatic weapon ("I don't know why it makes me laugh!") to Nick bringing a bunch of military women onstage to sing a noxious ballad to them like some modern-day Donnie Osmond, the creepiness and patriotic pandering knew no bounds. And just imagine how the troops felt. To demonstrate our support, we sent them Nick and Jessica? That's like a care package full of belly-button lint.
