Even so, you'd think that, at the very least, we could count on either Tony or Michelle to die this season, since they've been so in love and they didn't die last season despite threatening to do so endlessly. But no such luck! Instead we have to watch their painful reuniting scene, in which they give each other one of those heroic, body-slam hugs that tell us that tearful coital relations are impending. It's almost too much to bear.

"I love you. I didn't realize how much until I thought I lost you!" Michelle tells Tony, post-body-slam. Doesn't it seem like most of the dialogue of "24" could easily be generated by a computer program? Besides, I thought that, like most women, Michelle didn't realize how much she loved Tony until he put down the can of beer and got off the couch.

No time to speculate! We cut to Audrey and Jack, doing the awkward, cross-armed opposite of a body slam. Jack loves Audrey, who knows why. Come on, Jack! The woman does look just like Heidi Fleiss! No matter: He gets dumped. Heidi storms away, sniffling but already securing white hydrangeas for ex-husband Paul's funeral in her mind. You remember - he's the one who died because he saved Jack's life?

At least the writers are smart enough to recognize that Jack's life is the only one we really care about. And so, just when we think everything is fine - L.A. hasn't been flattened after all, which is nice since that bomb was, according to the map, right above my house - there's trouble afoot: The Chinese want Jack to pay for the death of their silly diplomat! The nerve of those uppity Chinese! And not only that, but one of President Logan's men has arranged to have Jack killed so that he doesn't leak any top-secret information to China. Man, can't we just relax and enjoy the fact that we haven't been blown to smithereens for a few seconds? It's as if the writers assume that we require constant suspense to stay interested.

Oh yeah, that's because we do. So Tony and Michelle and Chloe conspire to pretend Jack is dead, and after a quick phone call to David Palmer, Jack is forced to walk off alone, into the smog, his whole life turned upside down. He'll be a wanted man, living under a false identity -- just like Jason Bourne, except more depressed and pathetic. Will he go to IHOP or Crazy Girls first? It's anybody's guess, since pancakes and strippers are pretty much equally sexy.

Yes, it's all a little bit foolish, and it's basically impossible to make all that suspense pay off in the end. But then, the joy of "24" is in the suspense, and expecting it to lead to a deeply satisfying conclusion is like expecting "The Love Boat" to burst into flames and sink.

If "The Love Boat' ever does burst into flames, though, you can be sure that it will at least produce a great, big, thundering bang when it does.

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