Laughter and forgetting
Hopefully John Gulager of "Project Greenlight" will have more time for pot-smoking and sluts now that his film, "Feast," is almost finished. Remember when everyone hated Gulager and thought he was super creepy? Well, now he's everybody's favorite-est, most talented-est director! See how it works, kids? There's a time to be threatened with violence and termination, and there's a time to fly to New York to have lunch with Matt Damon! (I don't know about you, but I can't so much as glance at the name "Matt Damon" anymore without hearing the Matt Damon marionette from "Team America" saying his name over and over again. Hurray!)

In the "Project Greenlight" finale, Gulager is finally speaking up, making thank-you speeches that are not quite rousing but do have enough of a promising tinge of insincerity that the Hollywood glad-handers around him are starting to see their tainted, blustery reflections in his face. They therefore deem him ready to "make it" out there among similarly ghoulish Hollywood types.

"Feast" didn't test well or anything, but there was enough screaming and shouting and hearty laughter at the test screening that the executives present thought it might do well, while the rest of us simply concluded that they screened the film in L.A., where, no matter how idiotic the film, audiences laugh long and loud like they're high on crack.

Also, keep in mind, there were cameras pointed at aforementioned test audience the entire time. You see, people like to emote when cameras are pointed at them. Just look at Paris Hilton. Does she really love washing that car in her bathing suit, then shoving a massive burger in her face like she seems to on that Carl's Jr. commercial? Does she even eat meat? Has she ever washed a car in her life? Or would she lick mayonnaise off a totem pole with as much passion if someone told her it looked hot?

Honestly, does she need the money? Why is she in a commercial at all? Do they even have to pay her to do this stuff?

OK, I'm really preoccupied by sluts this week -- I apologize. The point is, "Feast" didn't test well, but the powers that be don't care. They like the cut of Gulager's jib. Just as Ben Affleck knows there's a time to date Jenny from the block, and a time to get Jenny not from the block pregnant, he also knows that there's a time for "Project Greenlight" to produce a film that isn't universally loathed by critics and morons off the street alike. Based on the blood flying and the screams and the artsy close-ups, I think it's safe to say that at least a handful of morons off the street might be drawn in by "Feast," and that, in "Project Greenlight" terms, is a massive, sweeping victory.

Empire Falls, then strikes back
Hey, kids! If you like small towns, star-studded casts, and stilted dialogue, you'll love "Empire Falls," an HBO "two-part mini-series event" (see also: a six-hour-long made-for-TV movie spread out over two nights) airing this Saturday and Sunday at 9 p.m. Paul Newman plays a w-w-wacky old dude. Ed Harris is a passive dad with a lovable teenage daughter and a haunted past ... Welcome to Snore City, USA. If you can get through the first two hours, please write to me and tell me all about how great it was.

In summary
There's a time for reading about bad shows you'll never watch, and a time for getting some work done, and a time for pickling your prick in the cunt-brine of another. Sadly, right now, it's time to get back to work. Until next week, my pretties! May the pot-smoking sluts be with you!

Next week: Too much red-hot finale action even to allude to in passing! Plus: More TV ads that bug me! And: New insights into Tyra's psyche! Also: Stuff I found in my sock drawer that I don't know where to put!

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