Luckily, we can all learn more about this magical couple on UPN's "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" (Tuesdays at 9 p.m.), an absolutely unique show that's a complete departure from almost everything else on television today.

What makes it so different? You're going to have to use your powers of imagination to get a good answer to that one. So, close your eyes, and imagine for a moment that you have a teenage daughter. Imagine that your daughter isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and hasn't had anything of interest to say since she turned 10. OK. Now imagine that your daughter is incredibly rich but so self-centered that she makes faces when a hotel maintenance guy dares to speak to her. Imagine that your daughter spends most of her time giggling, chain-smoking and talking about herself. Now, imagine that your daughter is something of a slut, but seems to have no criteria in choosing men, outside of the fact that they should be vaguely surly and illiterate.

Now imagine giving your daughter a camcorder! Imagine that your filthy slut daughter spends a year traveling the world, and gets married to a trashy young fellow along the way. Now imagine that she returns home and, in typical self-involved fashion, forces you to watch several hours of her self-recorded aimless banter, bad jokes and sexually suggestive idiocy.

"I've had sex three times today! Hee hee hee hee!" your daughter squeals at the camera. "Our sex is so good!"

Now, open your eyes. How do you feel? Pretty damn good, huh? You want to watch more, don't you? You can't believe how many universal themes of suffering and redemption were revealed therein, can you? You want to program your slut daughter's new show, "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic," into your TiVo right now, don't you?

Indeed, it's easily the Worst Show on Television, one that's, sadly, nowhere near the ballpark of So Bad It's Good but rather, lodged firmly in the realm of painfully, indescribably, irredeemably Bad. Only by using your powers of imagination can you conjure up the smallest taste of just how noxiously, horrendously Bad it is.

It's not just Britney, with her smokes and her manic idiocy, and Kevin, with his patchy facial hair and big diamond earrings, who grate on our nerves. (Doesn't Kevin remind you of that guy who played Claire's dirtbag boyfriend on "Six Feet Under," and then went on to play Theresa's dirtbag husband on "The O.C."?) When Britney grabs the camera and points it to her charmless entourage and asks, "What's yer favorite sexual position?" everyone, without fail, laughs hysterically like she's the most zanily irreverent human on earth -- instead of, say, flashing back to a really lame game of Truth or Dare they played in high school. And speaking of "Truth or Dare," the show clearly references Madonna's movie of the same name, only Madonna and her posse look like a bunch of astrophysicists compared to Britney and her crew.

And look, when you invest just 10 minutes in this hideous time-suck, you're so desperate for a moment of levity or wit that you're willing to mistake even the dorkiest aside for an unguarded moment of genius. Sadly, though, the most insightful comment on the entire show occurs when Britney films Kevin in the shower, and he threatens her, saying, "Payback is a bitch." That's right. "Payback is a bitch" represents the most profound insight offered by Britney's new show.

Finally, a show that's so unspeakably bad, I won't feel the least bit guilty for ignoring it completely from now on. Smell ya later, Britney!

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