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Tuesday, Nov 24, 2009
Meet the new Worst TV Show Ever! Plus: "The O.C." ends with a bang, and "The Bad Girl's Guide" proves, once again, that sluts' dreams do come true.
May 23, 2005 | A time for naps, a time for cheese
There's a time in life for everything, savory onion tartlets. A time to laugh, a time to mourn, a time to make an elaborate seafood lasagna for the girl you love, a time to threaten that girl's life for leaking word of your affair to the authorities.
I hope there are some young people out there reading this today, because I want to say: Kids, you've got time! There's a time for dating guys your age, and there's a time for dating creepily self-obsessed 40-somethings whom you dreamt about marrying back when you weren't old enough to know what a Scientologist was. There's a time for getting "Billy Bob" emblazoned on your body, and a time for stealing Jennifer Aniston's husband by dangling your adorable, saucer-eyed, third-world toddler under his guilty-liberal-movie-star nose. There's a time for marrying Charlie Sheen, and a time for suing Charlie Sheen for every penny he's worth.
Sure, we all have slow years, years we waste daydreaming about having an elaborate seafood lasagna to call our very own. Just remember, even in the slow years, we all deserve love. Never forget that, rosemary-infused lamb shanks. Because once you can picture exactly what you want -- whether it's a mega-star, grinning and prattling on disingenuously to Oprah, or just some skanky dude with smelly feet and a bad credit rating -- you'll get it! Mark my words. You just have to believe!
Chaos theory
Just look at Britney Spears. Britney believed. Hey, she knew the odds were stacked against her. Of all the guys in the world, how many are really all that interested in a voluptuous, athletic blond millionaire with a wide array of sexually suggestive, sequin-studded costumes to her name?
But Britney held on to her dream. Every night she would go to bed and pray that somehow, some way, somewhere out there, there was a skanky dude with smelly feet and a bad credit rating, one who might generously agree to drop his busy and important life as an unemployed floater to follow her around the world, staying in five-star hotels, shopping for incredible clothes, eating at the best restaurants and appearing on the covers of magazines. "Maybe it's just a crazy fantasy," Britney said to herself, "but it's my crazy fantasy, and I refuse to give up hope!"
Then, one day, Britney was in London, preparing to play to a packed crowd at Wembley Stadium, and she remembered this sort of skanky guy she met in a club in LA. Sure, he had a pregnant girlfriend, but did that really make him skeazy enough?
Wait! The story is much more romantic when Britney and Kevin tell it themselves:
Kevin: I was living with my best friend from back home. We usually always hit this place, Joseph's. It was just a regular night.
Britney: I saw Kevin there. I just knew!
Kevin: A couple of her dancers introduced us. That was it.
Britney: He was very mysterious. He just seemed not fazed by anything. Just his whole vibe was really sexy. I like that.
But even with such a heady start, their fairy-tale romance was only just beginning! Weeks later, relying on the fact that Kevin wasn't fazed by anything, Britney called and asked him if he wouldn't mind hopping on a plane to come and have sex with her in one of the finest hotel suites in London! Kevin bravely followed his nards, and the rest is history!
