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Thursday, Nov 26, 2009
In the "Desperate Housewives" finale, Mary Alice returns -- sort of -- and Wisteria Lane gets more twisted than we'd ever hoped.
May 23, 2005 | Desperate Housewives could be "Blue Velvets" Act II.
INTERIOR, A FORMAL DINING ROOM. It is 20 years later. Through the window, we see a lawn, a white fence, and firemen floating by, waving in slow motion from the back of their truck. BREE, as pale as an ice sculpture, is polishing her silverware set. Her lips are pulled tight, her face is too thin -- but her house is immaculate.
Well, at least it could have been.
Last nights season finale stomped mercilessly through suburbia like, well, that thing in the jungle in "Lost." And the Fearsome Hausfrau Four are now officially five: Mary Alice, the dead one, has reappeared to settle her remaining corporeal business -- the central mystery of the first season, the events surrounding her season-opening suicide. To the finales credit, it coughed up almost as much plot as youd get if you held Aaron Spelling upside down and shook him vigorously.
"There is a motive to every mystery," began one of Mary Alices usual and appalling -- voice-overs. "An answer to every question." And "All you have to do is take a closer look." And "Love, laughter, friendship and, sadly, secrets." Sure, sure.
Mary Alice, it turns out, is actually named Angela -- and, even before she found quiet, peaceful (ha ha) Wisteria Lane, she was, she says, leading "a life of quiet desperation." She took out trash, made breakfasts for her husband, Paul, and worked in the evenings at a hospital. Wow, that is quiet and desperate! The mass of (wo)men, apparently, lead lives of little errands and casual consumption.
But we knew that, or we wouldnt be watching a network that literally cannot air programming for more than five minutes without a commercial break for Coors or Quiznos. FIVE MINUTES! Its disgusting and outrageous! Wont someone do something?
Anyway. This chick named Dierdre shows up; apparently Mary Alice knows her from when she worked at a drug clinic or something. Dierdres all cracked out, and needs money. "Youre using again, arent you!" says Mary Alice/Angela. Mary Alice opens the door to show her out, but Dierdre says, "Ill sell you my baby."
Her husband is opposed, but Mary Alice gives him the hand -- literally, "Stop in the Name of Love" style -- and slowly closes the door.
First of all: what? Exactly how hard is it for a suburban white couple to get their hands on a baby -- even one of those admittedly more expensive little white ones? Is that the crack whores old standby for cash -- barge into any random persons house and grandly announce, "YOU MAY PURCHASE MY WOMBFRUIT!"?
Long story short: Zach, the troubled pseudo-foundling son of the suicide Mary Alice, had been named Dana by his mother Dierdre, which clears up some of the shows earlier misdirection about a dead baby girl in the family named Dana. (Or, as he puts it to Susan later, as he holds her hostage: "I never had a baby sister! Im Dana! They stole me and changed my name! Everyone lies to me!")
But back then: "We were as happy as any family could be," Mary Alice v.o.s. "Until one night, three years later, when there was a knock at our door. And I was desperate once again." Mary Alice, perky with her kicky new name on Wisteria Lane, is chopping vegetables. There is talk of putting in a pool. But at the door, its Dierdre, the baby-selling junkie-whore! Over coffee -- Hazelnut Belgian Cafi? Suisse Mocha? Havana Guano? Which International Coffee could it be? -- "I spent a lot of my fathers money hunting you down," says Dierdre. "I kept our little secret. As you can see, Ive gotten myself cleaned up."
