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Saturday, Jul 11, 2009
"America's Next Top Model" crowns a winner, but stumbles on the runway.
May 19, 2005 | Last night, the fourth season of "America's Next Top Model" drew to a close, and all of the crucial elements were in place: Tyra Banks wore her "talk to me" makeup. The three remaining models insulted each other. There was a big fashion show. Butt cheeks were hanging out. The two remaining models cried and resolved to never feel "not good enough" again. The judges bickered. Janice Dickinson's jugs were on full display. Finally, the winner's face flashed on the screen.
Yeah, no big surprise there, either. So why did it all feel so anticlimactic?
Die-hard fans have been asking themselves that question all season long, or at least since Tyra angrily attacked contestant Tiffany for laughing and joking around after she was dismissed. The tyrannical Ty-rade seemed to signal that Tyra - and the show - were both beginning to get a little too big for their britches. Sadly, instead of redeeming the whole process with a so-called fierce finale, Tyra and her vicious panel of judges played their parts without conviction, and uttered lines that sounded less campy and audacious than downright silly and pathetic.
But Tyra's weekly routine has become almost intolerable, alternating as it does between giggling and glowering. Each episode, she squeals onto the scene adorably, bright orange extensions and lip gloss gleaming. Then she gets all serious, encouraging the girls to weep openly, while offering them wide-eyed, egocentric advice. Next, she sneaks out, only to reappear later in leather ass-pants with her panel of judges, where she encourages everyone to make serious fools of themselves. Once they do, she shakes her head and tells each girl how disappointing she was, possibly throwing in a few harsh words about what the girl revealed to her during that very vulnerable moment earlier in the show. The other judges hiss that the girl is truly sad, and then Tyra sanctimoniously announces who will stay and who must leave "immediately." (Contestant Tiffany coped with the faux-solemnity of the situation by laughing, thereby incurring Tyra's wrath. "Is this a joke to you?!!" she bellowed.)
But Tyra was only the tip of the iceberg this season. The most obvious problem, among many, was casting: For the first time, the girls were boring and self-conscious and not all that smart. Casting sharp, interesting girls has always been the show's saving grace; yes, it's about models, but it's also about complicated, confused, witty young women figuring out who they are. And -- oh yeah -- insulting each other. But when the girls are dumb, not that witty, and have nothing to say? That's when you realize the emperor has no couture. "Oh my god! I'm watching a show about models! What is wrong with me?"
In fact, none of the women were remotely sharp -- except for Tiffany, who was not only strikingly beautiful and photographed well but had more character and personality than all of the other girls combined. But Tiffany was dismissed essentially for blowing off a particularly annoying and pointless challenge involving a teleprompter.
Which brings us to our third major problem this season: The challenges felt idiotic and arbitrary. From the "imitate a wild animal while wearing a poncho in the rain" challenge to the "learn a funny accent" challenge, it all felt poorly thought-out and amateurish.
Worst of all, though, the fashion shoots this year had been thoroughly "Apprentice"-ized, featuring products (Caress Body Wash, Cover Girl Makeup) that were not only boring and safe, but totally eliminated the possibility of flaming trapezes, massive fish tanks filled with sharks, heavy native headdresses, gender-bending frolicking in vats of lard, and other masochistic high-fashion challenges Tyra once led us to believe were essential experiences for any aspiring model. This season, the screen tests and shoots were so bad, when I try to remember them, I keep conjuring up scenes from "The Starlet" instead. That's right: "The Starlet," a show that once strained to touch the hem of "ANTM," now is almost indistinguishable from it. That's how far the mighty have fallen.
