Suicide is painless
Boxing, on the other hand, is very painful -- so is watching Najai Turpin, the boxer on "The Contender" who committed suicide this past Valentine's Day. First, Najai tells "den mother" Jackie Kallen that he doesn't trust anyone. Next, he tells the camera that he has "a lot of pain inside." Then he tells us about how much he loves his 2-year-old daughter, Anyae. Finally, he loses his match, and the music that's playing as he exits the gymnasium is downright macabre.

But I find the closing moments of this show extremely depressing no matter what lies ahead for the boxers who lose. Unlike the yuppies on "The Apprentice" or the chipper type-A types of "The Survivor," these guys have pegged all their hopes on boxing, and this is their one big shot.

And isn't it more than a little haunting how they all say they're doing it for their families? Not one of the boxers has said, "I just love to box, pure and simple" or "The thrill of the fight -- that's what keeps me in the sport!" Instead, they're completely focused on trying to earn enough money to help out their families, either their wives and kids, or their mothers, or both.

Sergio, the guy who beat Najai in last week's episode, was particularly touching. Once he was done quoting Oscar Wilde and talking about the Russian and German literature he's read, he couldn't stop raving about his love for his mom. "I'm not gonna complain about the chips my mom was dealt," he told the camera through tears. "She's a poor and lonely single mom; there are moms like that all over the world." He just wants to help her out, that's all! Sniff.

I'm wondering, though: Is it just the way the show is edited, or is boxing the most unpleasant sport in the known universe? Maybe someone who knows a little bit about boxing will write to me and let me know if boxing is enjoyable at all, or if it's just as torturous as it looks. From what I can gather, all kinds of mental and emotional gymnastics are required just to get into the ring, and a boxer's attitude seems to be a major predictor of whether he wins or not. But do you have to be half-crazy like Mike Tyson to win consistently? What about Muhammad Ali, a seriously smart guy with the kind of self-confidence and flair that come around once every few decades -- how did he manage his emotions under those conditions?

Tastes like chicken
Apparently I should've managed my emotions when I declared Cartoon Network's "Robot Chicken," which plays during the "Adult Swim" segment, "savory." The stop-motion sketch show, created by Seth Green and Matt Senreich, is sometimes very funny. In fact, it's often very funny, inexplicably so. Like when a bunch of goblins and bad guys are sitting in traffic, getting angry that the guy driving is in the slowest lane? Or when, in a sketch called "Oz," a scarecrow says to two friends, "OK, guys, see you back in New York ...," and then someone comes up behind him and stabs him in the chest, and it bleeds straw? That's the entire sketch. Doesn't sound very funny, does it? It's funny. I mean it.

But (sigh!) most of the sketches devolve into violence and name-calling. This is becoming a serious theme among the shows on "Adult Swim." As different as "Robot Chicken" is from the others, I still feel that, given how much creative freedom these writers have, a lot of them should be able to dream up something a little more imaginative and engaging than potty jokes, temperamental outbursts and fistfights.

But then, I have trouble dreaming up something new to eat for breakfast in the morning, so I really can't talk. Besides, creating something that's consistently hilarious is nearly impossible. Otherwise it wouldn't take a room full of comedy writers who bank millions of dollars a year just to make a show like "Two and a Half Men." You know, "Two and a Half Men," that smash hit comedy on CBS that you just can't miss?

Existential crisis management
Yes, everything that's sallow and obscene and feeble is adored. Everything that's wonderful and fresh and lovely is ignored. What's the answer? The easiest answer, of course, is to kill yourself right now.

Barring that, though, you're left to examine your remaining options. Should you strive to be flaccid and worthless, knowing that it will bring you love and multimillion-dollar development deals? Or should you try your best to cultivate your true talents, nurture your subtle charms, and create something original and worthwhile that's doomed to fester in obscurity, leaving you loveless and penniless, wandering the streets in last year's fashions?

It's up to you, really. No one else can make that choice for you.

Except maybe your agent. Or your manager. Yeah, just go with whatever your manager wants.

Next week: Will Tony "Tiny" Almeida stay off the bottle with Steely-eyed Al-Anon Michelle around? Will Heidi Fleiss rediscover her love for Heartless Torture Jack? Will Chloe finally get Larry Sanders on the phone and have him stop by CTU for a quick set? The suspense is killing me!

Recent Stories