Do you have to let it linger?
Speaking of soothing: Bong-sucking teens will be super-psyched to know that a recent study indicates that marijuana, like, totally messes with your head. More specifically, it affects the flow of blood to the brain in some ways that are similar to high blood pressure, and the effects linger for a full month after the pot is smoked.

According to the article about the study, "Light marijuana users smoked two to 15 joints per week, moderate users smoked 17 to 70 joints per week, and heavy users smoked 78 to 350 joints per week." Yes, that's right: 350 joints a week. I'm just going to assume that someone else rolled the joints for the subjects in the study, because not even the most dedicated stoner I've ever met has the motivation to roll 50 joints a day. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the tedium of joint rolling is one of the leading factors limiting marijuana intake.

Next time, scientists should consider bringing in an 8-foot bong and some bunk beds to increase the accuracy of their research.

Startling confessions du jour
Maybe it's the 23 joints I smoked this morning talking, but I'm not nearly as excited about HBO's "Taxicab Confessions" as I used to be. Back in the innocent days when teenagers weren't manipulated into getting bad haircuts and snorting drugs with God, watching random weirdos act like random weirdos in the backs of cabs used to seem really riveting and outrageous. Now, though, when the scuzzy girl strips down to her undies, gives her guy a blow job, and then whines to the cab driver, "We want to fuck you," it's far less fascinating than downright unsavory. And they just keep breeding!

I'd rather investigate the latest "sickening realizations" about Michael Jackson to come to light this week. You can take your pick: Martin Bashir's "Michael Jackson's Secret World," which premieres on Thursday, Feb. 17, on ABC's "Primetime Live," or "Michael Jackson's Secret Childhood," on Wednesday, Feb. 16, on VH1.

For those who like dog shows better than freak shows, I'd suggest tuning in for "America's Dog Show" today and tomorrow (Feb. 14 and 15) from 8 to 11 a.m. on ABC, where some of the dog world's Kendras and Freddys will walk proudly in tight little circles. Personally, I would love to watch a dog show that featured a wide range of beautiful and odd-looking mutts, highly intelligent and utterly original. Just gazing at a parade of dogs with untraceably strange colors, weirdly placed eyes, oversize heads, and elbows that stick out awkwardly would fill my heart with more love than all of the half-priced heart-shaped boxes of chocolates in town. "The Prettiest Mutt in the World" they could call it.

Would people in this God-fearing, dog-loving nation of ours tune in for that, or what? Man! Why am I giving this stuff away for free?

Next week: "The Venture Brothers," "Jonny Zero" and everything else I promised to mention before but never did.

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