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Saturday, Jul 11, 2009
Torment and torture hit the small screen, from "24" to "Taxicab Confessions" to the finale of "The Amazing Race." Plus: Find out what artistic integrity and chunky eyeliner have in common!
Feb 14, 2005 | Meet the press
Imagine, for a moment, that you're a TV critic.
Now imagine that an e-mail like this one drops into your in box, oh, about once every few hours:
AFTER HER PARENTS FORBID HER TO GO ON AN OVERNIGHT TRIP WITH ADAM TO ATTEND A CONCERT, JOAN GOES ANYWAY BY PRETENDING TO STAY AT GRACE'S, ON "JOAN OF ARCADIA," FEB. 18 ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK.
Does this make you want to watch "Joan of Arcadia"? I mean, it's a good show, don't get me wrong. But, um, this plot summary doesn't exactly draw me in.
Let's edit it a little, shall we?
GOD IS ROYALLY PISSED OFF! AFTER JOAN DISOBEYS HIS COMMAND TO TAKE GREYHOUND BUS TO TUCUMCARI, N.M., SHE SKIPS SCHOOL AND SUCKS HITS FROM ADAM'S 8-FOOT BONG. GOD GOES APESHIT, RELEASES PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS ON ARCADIA, MONROVIA AND SIERRA MADRE, GIVES ADAM CRABS, ON "JOAN OF ARCADIA," FEB. 18 ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK.
Here's another example of a riveting press announcement:
AMERICA LOVES CLAY AIKEN!
CLAY AIKEN WILL BE DOING A CONFERENCE CALL ON MONDAY, NOV. 29...
As we all know, TV and film critics care less about what America loves than almost anyone else in America, hence the commonly used phrase, "F*** the critics." I'd like to propose this edit:
CLAY AIKEN NOT ACTUALLY GAY!
CLAY AIKEN, WHO REALLY SEEMS GAY, IS A PARTICULAR VARIETY OF GAY KNOWN IN HIS HOME STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA AS "STRAIGHT." HE'LL BE AVAILABLE TO DISCUSS THIS AND MORE IN A CONFERENCE CALL THIS MONDAY...
Now here's a press release that works, in no small part due to the use of upper- and lowercase letters:
"As part of the new Sunday Stew lineup, MTV will debut 'Damage Control,' wherein one all-American teenager is left home alone for the weekend while MTV's hidden cameras follow every move. Faced with compromising situations thanks to the 'Damage Control' team of actors, the parents watch from next door with host, and Simple Plan lead singer, Pierre Bouvier, trying to guess just what their son or daughter might do next. When guest star/rapper Fat Joe stops by and offers to buy the family's house, will the subject of the prank sign the deal -- without checking with his parents first? Will another subject star in a local politician's commercials after finding out that the politician isn't quite the upstanding citizen he appears to be? With cash at stake, how well do these parents know their kids, and how honest will these teenagers be with their parents when the parents return home?"
I'm sold. After all, what could be better than messing with teenagers? Maybe the "Damage Control" team should send God himself to the door and have him tell the kid to get on a bus to Tucumcari -- or better yet, set the house on fire! Maybe God could offer the kid some methamphetamines and then encourage him to jump off the roof. Haw haw! "No really, kid. You can fly, I swear. What, you don't trust me? I'm omnipotent, for chrissakes! Pussy."
Do you see the pattern emerging here? America loves to watch teenagers get messed with. First it was those poor suckers on "The Real World," then it was Jack and Kelly Osbourne, then the talentless mobs on "American Idol," then Joan, then Ashlee, then the chumps of "Laguna Beach," and now it's just a free-for-all. And random teenagers are so enamored with being on TV, they line up to take any abuse MTV can dish out.
You'd sort of think that the adults in the picture -- "parents," I think they're called -- would step in and save these kids from making asses of themselves in front of millions before they're even old enough to vote or drink. Nah! Let's expose our kids as half-wits with poor judgment who lie through their teeth on national television! That sounds like much more fun.
