These days are yours and mine, pending litigation
Luckily for the Fonz, he was rarely wrong, and even when he was wrong, he was still cool. Last week's "Happy Days 30th Anniversary Reunion" not only reminded me of just how cool Fonzie was, it also made me feel a lot better about my own relative lack of cool.

See, when my future children (they might be adopted from a foreign land, or maybe they'll just be really intelligent dogs) ask me why I'm so incredibly lame, I have a plan mapped out in my head. They'll be dressed from head to toe in nouveau hip-hop gear -- something even cooler than hip-hop will emerge, no doubt, making crusty parents like myself feel even more hapless and outdated -- and they'll speak some combination of hip-hop, Starbucks and Spanish, all languages I don't understand. This will mean I won't have to listen to them most of the time, which will be nice. But every now and then, I'll catch a few words, like "estupido wack-ass gilipollas-uccino" or "venti no-foam chucha," and we'll have to have a little talk.

I'll corner them. Just as they're sneaking out the door to swill vodka and screw hot Latin men, that's when I'll pull out my "Eight Is Enough" DVD and say, "See, this is my generation's version of 'The O.C.'" Soon, their mouths will gape open in horror as they witness ultra-nerd Dick Van Patton upbraiding Nancy and Joanie about their overly revealing gauchos.

But watching snippets from "Happy Days" made me feel a little better about the coolness of my heritage. You might remember some shows like "Eight Is Enough" as entertaining or cool, when, in fact, they were hideously bad. But "Happy Days" was actually funny and well-written, and Richie and Ralph Malph and Fonzie and even Mrs. C had really great comic timing. Joanie and Chachi both look like they've taken post-"Happy Days" life the hardest, but other than that, "Happy Days 30th Anniversary Reunion" was surprisingly light-hearted and escándalo-free. Which was nice, because great as it was to know that the Brady kids made out and Chrissy of "Three's Company" was a lunatic, "Happy Days" is one show that should remain as innocent and as carefree as the '50s themselves. (Stifle those snickers, old folks. What we don't know won't hurt us -- at least for another decade or so, at which point our generation is officially doomed to repeat history.)

Now all I need is a T-shirt that says "Ayyyyy!" across the front to establish my extreme dorkiness among the hip-hop Spanglibucks-speaking, slutty, gun-toting teens I'll eventually feed and clothe and provide with piano lessons, college educations and years of expensive therapy, not to mention trips to rehab and room and board at pricey mental institutions. Hooray!

Shanghai surprise
At least we know that Kris and Jon of "The Amazing Race" will be really good parents, since they're both really positive and friendly and super hot and they never lose their tempers, not even when those bad Chinese cab drivers are creeping slowly through Shanghai. I hope to hell that they win it all in the finale tomorrow night, instead of bickering dorks Hayden and Aaron or snotty hotties Freddy and Kendra or short mortals Adam and Rebecca. Actually, it wouldn't be so bad if Adam and Rebecca won -- it would be truly amazing, in fact, given the steady flow of bickering and humiliation they've endured from each other from the very start. (Casting exes was a disaster waiting to happen; see also: an utter streak of genius.)

Speaking of bickering and humiliation, the new season of "The Apprentice" also looks surprisingly promising, considering the pig-headed nature of all involved. Did anyone notice, though, that after blasting each other out of the water in the boardroom, Stephanie and Michael linked arms in the elevator, right before the doors closed?

Yes, I know. It's time to get TiVo, estupido grande tartlet-tizzles.

Next week: The delicious inanity of "Taxicab Confessions." Plus: Why is Jonny a Zero?

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