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Monday, Nov 9, 2009
But the real trouble with this crime show is that ... it's about crime. You can make every other element totally fresh and original, but the crimes themselves are always the same, and they've all been done a thousand times over. How many times can we track the same serial murderer-rapist around the streets of L.A.? Why does he always have an odd mark or a brand or a signature he leaves on the bodies? How many movies have we seen about this, let alone episodes of "NYPD: Blue" and "Law & Order" and "CSI," and that's not to mention "Kojak" and a hundred others from the archives?
We just have to live with the fact that lots of talented people and millions of dollars go into churning out the same five plots every week. So let's ponder a more important question: Why, when mathematicians start to formulate an equation, do they always do it on a massive chalkboard in an empty, badly lit classroom? Isn't that just a little bit exhausting? Why not curl up by a fire with a nice glass of Chianti, a big pad of paper and a very sharp pencil? Does the paper get too shreddy when you keep reworking the same variables over and over? Gosh, I don't know much about logarithmic differentiation or derivatives of inverse trig functions, but I'd say you're not very good at math if you have to keep erasing all the damn time!
Perfectly wicked
I'm running out of time and space, thanks to those small, shrieking demons who altered the laws of physics irretrievably, but I can't sign off without mentioning "Wickedly Perfect" (Thursdays at 8 p.m. on CBS), a disarming and delightful show about a gaggle of floral designers, gourmet chefs and general-purpose events-planning types, stewing and primping and blanching and fussing their way to the top. This is basically "The Apprentice" for the Martha Stewart set, and as such it's much more interesting than the weekly rollout of overly commercial tasks assigned by The Donald.
Besides, who else but Martha demonstrated to us the slow, seething energy behind any two-tiered sponge cake with raspberry-almond filling and a fresh rosebud garnish? That same swallowed rage that goes into each elaborate table setting, each whimsical gift bag, each rosemary-infused rack of lamb is the secret ingredient to "Wickedly Perfect." When you force a bunch of detail-oriented control freaks to work together, all of that raw emotion -- so neatly compartmentalized by hours of tying tiny ribbons on little boxes and gluing rose petals to tablecloths and babying enormous ice sculptures -- comes cascading out like chocolate truffles out of a lovely decorative box. Hurray!
And so Mitch hisses at Mychael, even though her beef tenderloin looks sumptuous and his table setting is remarkable, and Darlene detests Michelle, even though her trio of deserts is proclaimed fantastic by judges Candace Bushnell, David Evangelista and Bobby Flay. Of course, the judges, who are prone to irritable outbursts over lukewarm champagne and bland appetizers, add to the chaos of repressed anger and deep-seated emotional insecurity already present, just by using their best disapproving Mommy and Daddy voices. The so-called perfectionists -- animals that thrive only with plenty of space and independence, animals that really should be caged separately -- cringe and flinch and wince accordingly. And let's face it, there's nothing better than watching a perfectionist wince.
While one of the contestants would love to win such prizes as a book deal and several appearances on "The Early Show," it's clear that the real stakes of this escapade -- pride, appearances, reputation -- dwarf the concrete prizes like a towering multilayer floral centerpiece. This desperation gives the entire show a surprise layer of aged parmesan, garlic and fresh basil certain to woo the most ambivalent channel surfer.
In summary: Evil
There is so much evil in the world, and most of it can be seen in the visage of Jonathan, a man sometimes accused of single-handedly bringing about the "Fear Factorization" of "The Amazing Race." As much as I'd love to dive into this and about a hundred other aspects of this season of "TAR," I'm out of time, space and buttercream frosting.
Next week: Your exhaustive guide to this season of "The Amazing Race" -- I really mean it this time. Plus: "Nova scienceNOW" erases the smelly frog guts and the dumb baking-soda volcanos and makes science fun, mostly by introducing us to the freaks and geeks who love it so dearly.
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