Of course, in order to live up to her edgy youth appeal, Pelosi tries to rub salt in the candidates' wounds in ways most journalists would avoid. When Dean is suddenly falling behind, she goads him shamelessly. "Howard Dean alone? Alone? Alone?" she drones as Dean walks through a hotel lobby without any press. When the newspapers proclaim that Kerry's campaign is dead and it's time for him to quit the race, Alexandra asks a dejected-looking Kerry, "Are you a dead man walking?"

Later, when Kerry is winning and mobbed constantly by the press, Pelosi uses her rudeness as a calling card, yelling at him, "I was there back in the day when nobody wanted to shake your hand!" As usual, Pelosi is always at the center of her own flaccid story.

The best moment of this rambling, poorly narrated, largely redundant documentary comes at the end, when Pelosi finally scores a one-on-one interview with Kerry. Not surprisingly, her questions don't show us any side of Kerry we haven't already seen, plus she talks a lot, interrupts him, and sticks to shallow subjects. Then, suddenly, toward the end of the interview, Kerry grabs Pelosi's camera and turns it on her and says, "What makes you do this?"

Pelosi rambles nervously about the documentary she apparently set out to make.

Pelosi: Well, what I'm trying to do with this movie, is I'm trying to show, the other side, I'm trapped between, I'm not with the press corps, and I'm not working for the candidate, I'm in between, and there's this dance between the candidate, his staff and the press, and I'm trying to show that dance. Do you understand?

Kerry: I do. Is this the kind of dirty dancing I heard about in New Orleans?

Pelosi: OK, but, here, do you understand what I'm saying, like, I am not the enemy! I'm...

Kerry: [playing on one of Pelosi's earlier questions] Are you a caricature of this whole process?

This is probably the first time anyone outside the HBO offices has paid Pelosi such a high compliment. But, while she's not really close enough to the center of things to qualify as a caricature of the political trail, she's certainly a caricature of something.

Jeer Factor

Girl No. 1: Last night with Steven was really, really weird.

Girl No. 2: Why?

Girl No. 1: Well, it wasn't so much weird, it was just like ... I don't know.

Welcome to "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" (MTV, check listings)! You see, in the real Orange County, people are just as hot as they are on "The O.C.," and they're just as rich and their parties are just as fabulous. It's just that they have nothing at all to say.

An awkward cross between a scripted drama and a reality show, "Laguna Beach" treats us to endless magic-hour shots of pretty, tan teenagers walking on the beach, giving each other goo-goo eyes across the room, driving in their shiny cars, so that the feeling of being a glowing California youth with nothing but time and money and brain cells to kill is never far from our grasp. The sad part is that, even though the scenes are very, very short, even though the kids are quite clearly given talking points for each scene ("Discuss your rival, Kristin," "Discuss plans for tonight's party"), even though MTV has countless skilled editors at its disposal, even though each scene ends with a burst of pop music ("Fifteen, there's still time for you!") that very likely cost the show a small fortune, this appears to be among the emptiest, most pointless television shows ever conceived.

There's basically no story and no dialogue. The kids stare into the middle distance, occasionally attempt to act "upset" or "confused" or "enamored" in a way that mirrors the thespian stylings of most high school plays, and mumble "I don't know" or "Like, forget it!" while blinking their big mascara'd eyes and flipping their ironed blond hair dramatically. There is one scene in the most recent episode that accidentally has a tiny sliver of substance to it, but that's only because this guy named Polster, who's not one of the main characters, wanders directly into the void at a bonfire on the beach and attempts to communicate with one of the void's inhabitants, Lauren.

Polster: I did my whole senior project on the whole humanist potential movement.

Lauren: [apathetically] I don't know what that is.

Polster: OK, a brief summary. In the '50s, there are these humanistic psychologists who introduced this idea that, instead of being told what your problems were and how to have your problems fixed, it was more like they would look within themselves and try to solve it within themselves. It was a life-changing experience for me. Most people say that if they could've gone back and won the Lotto, that they would rather have gone back and done this seminar.

Lauren: Personally, I think I would go for Lotto.

Nice as it is to relive the horrors of having a functioning brain among the vacuously cool dolts of high school, "Laguna Beach" is still, easily, the worst new show on television. Better grab that TiVo remote and do some programming, tender chicken cutlets, before you miss out on all the fun!

At any rate, that's all the fun that I can generate in my current state, so until next week, may the gods smile upon you and bring you all of the good health, breathtaking fall days, and cherry-stained maple occasional tables that you so richly deserve!

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