Project DNR
And speaking of low stakes, addiction, and wasting time, I find myself inexplicably hooked on "Big Brother 5," a show that leaves you with a gaping hole in your soul, and just enough time to eat a Power Bar and splash some water on your face in between episodes.

I've never liked the "Big Brother" franchise one bit. Like a greasy, lukewarm burger served under glaring neon lights in a tacky, orange-plastic setting, "Big Brother" was always the Hardee's of reality TV. But remember how Hardee's had an Arby's-like processed roast beef sandwich with nacho cheese dribbled on top? Remember how Hardee's had that big, crumbly chocolate chip cookie, and those weird Tater Tot potatoes? There was something trashy about Hardee's that kept you coming back (for those who've never been to the South, think Carl's Jr.). Even though the cashiers were slow and mean and the food was room temperature garbage, you still had a hankering for it occasionally.

If "Big Brother 5" is like a truck filled with Hardee's food that pulls up to your front door every few hours, so that you're constantly confronted with trashy temptation, then Jase is the lunchmeat-and-nacho-cheese hoagie on board. Jase is a blonde guy with triple-processed hair (that means it's three different shades), a baby blue headband, a sculpted hairless body that's always on display, an oft-professed love and adoration for Brad Pitt and a domineering, paranoid attitude about alliances in the house, despite the constant cultivation of his own cozy alliance ("The Four Horsemen" - so intimidating!) with his fellow pretty boys.

And if Jase is the trashy hoagie, Scott is the Tater Tot of the group, with his crimping iron (I'm not kidding), those odd little 'N Sync bands wrapped around his biceps, his habit of leaving button-down shirts unbuttoned lest his man-titties be hidden from view for even a second, and his evil-idiot comments behind the scenes. In one challenge where the roommates were asked to spell out the foods they wanted, Scott spelled out "CHEESSE." In another challenge, after each made statements that the others had to judge as true or a bluff, Scott recounted how "Jase really screwed me up, up there." How did he do that? By using the word "confide" in his statement. "'Confide'? I didn't know what it meant."

Two scary mutants wouldn't be nearly enough to hold our attention, if not for the fact that the sun-kissed masochists in the house are all fired up and ready for a showdown between the high-maintenance frat boys and the girls (plus one gay man). With the departure of cutesy halfwit Holly, whom most viewers were sure would turn out to be an alien from the far reaches of Pluto in the latest twist, the house seems to be split evenly into two factions. But if Adria and her twin Natalie, who've been playing as one person, can avoid elimination for another week, they'll both be in the house together, which should tip the scales for the girls' side. And it sure would be great to see the cocky, endlessly primping men picked off one by one.

Of course, the problem with all of this tasty trash is that, the second the show is over, it hardens into a lump in your stomach and you feel like you just ate a massive block of CHEESSE. The queasiness and self-loathing is so bad, you'll never want to eat a single bite again.

Of course, a little anorexia might just humanize you a little...

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