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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Will the American Candidate outshine the actual candidates? Between "Big Brother 5" and "Celebrity Poker Showdown," who has time to shower and eat? Plus: What do we find when we follow punk rocker Ashlee Simpson back to her roots?
Aug 1, 2004 | Showdown at the celebrity poker ranch
I used to wonder why anyone would watch something called "Celebrity Poker Showdown." Celebrities bore me at the moment (unless they're named "Mary-Kate"), I haven't played poker in years and never really understood it to begin with, and the word "showdown" just sounds cheesy, like some movie where The Rock greases up his man-titties, beds an ethnic-looking Victoria's Secret model, rips his shirt a few times, then runs through some flames carrying an automatic rifle.
But much to my surprise, Bravo's "Celebrity Poker Showdown" (Thursdays at 9 p.m.) is truly a time-wasting delight. You check in for a few minutes, and the next thing you know, you've been watching for an hour and a half, and you can't stand not knowing how it all turns out. Since my top two priorities with any show are that 1). it's addictive and 2). it wastes vast amounts of time, I was hooked almost immediately.
But there are many, many reasons why this show works. First, the poker expert, Phil Gordon, is smart, insightful, concise, witty and kinda tall. It's strange, but after a few shows, I began picturing myself on a beach in Tahiti with him, sipping on margaritas while he laid out the finer points of Texas Hold 'em. My fantasy self has good instincts, as it turns out: Apparently, Gordon is a philanthropist, an adventure traveler, a genius, and a millionaire. Unfortunately, what I'm really looking for is a philanthropist, an adventure traveler, a genius, a millionaire, a masseur, a master chef and a masochist. Tough break for Gordon.
So let's move on to funny guy Dave Foley. Foley is not only extremely funny, but he's Canadian which means he's a nice person, plus I'm pretty sure he's not gay. Since "extremely funny" and "probably not gay" tend to trump "philanthropist/traveler/genius/millionaire" in my own sad little poker universe, let's swap out Gordon for Foley on that beach in Tahiti. He's a little bit paler and rounder, but he'll do, especially if he's this funny while the cameras aren't rolling:
Gordon: David Cross has a nine three.
Foley: If you notice, David is also growing a beard. Now this is a strategy a lot of bald men adopt, to try and trick people into thinking that his head is on upside down.
Then there are the celebrities themselves. No one really likes celebrities all that much these days, unless they have an eating disorder to humanize them, but watching these super-size personalities clash while trying to play a difficult, nuanced game is pretty hilarious. The producers throw together some great combinations of players: a sharp older woman like Mimi Rogers or Angie Dickinson, a wise-cracker like David Cross or Richard Kind, one mild-mannered Hollywood outsider like Jeff Gordon or Bobby Flay, plus someone who never shuts up, like Penn Jillette, Kathy Najimy or Kathy Griffin.
I know, it still sounds boring to watch these people play cards. That's where my boys Foley and Gordon come in. We get to see everyone's cards, and Gordon basically tells us what he thinks of each person's moves, as in, "I'd like to see a stronger bet from Steve, to scare Kathy off before she gets the queen she needs." I suppose if you know everything there is to know about Texas Hold'em, none of this would interest you much. Personally, I feel like I learn more every time I watch, so much so that I'm starting to mentally plan a monthly nickel-and-dime poker game. I can't wait to steal my friends' spare change right out of their pockets!
