Dear ILTW,

Tonight I saw the stupidest thing I've ever seen on TV (and I watched every episode of "Drunk Asshole Hotel"). Four women, vying for the attention of a middle-aged dad with a very suspicious hairline. Really, his plugs haven't even grown in completely yet.

Anyway, these women were made to DRESS UP IN THEIR DREAM WEDDING GOWNS (sorry about the shouting, but I can't seem to help it) and READ THE VOWS THEY WILL MAKE IF CHOSEN TO MARRY THE GUY, in front of the guy, his three daughters and what I am sure is a mere handful of North Americans who have nothing better to do on a summer evening. THEN (sorry, stop shouting), the daughters have to eliminate one of the women who had to LEAVE THE HOUSE, pulling her suitcase behind her, STILL WEARING THE WEDDING DRESS. Yucky voiceovers, sappy music, my system shut down, I couldn't hear any more. It was freakin' unbelievable. I both hope you caught it and hope you didn't, having something much better to do on a Monday night.

Nancy Weaver
Vancouver, B.C., Canada

Dear Nancy,

First of all, never, ever imagine me anywhere else but in front of my TV set. In order to optimize your viewing pleasure, it's important that you feel that I'm watching just as much crappy shit as you are, although we both know I watch volumes more of it. Even if there are "busier" or "more important" people than you in the world, people who have "better things to do" than watch TV, it's crucial that you forget that these people exist, if only until the show is over and the snacks run out.

Now. Where do we start with the bride thing? Why are brides simultaneously the most exalted and the most humiliated humans on the planet? Why are the stresses and worries of brides so hilarious to us? Why do we feed brides Valium and then act surprised when they "glow"? Why do brides get praise and adoration just for being brides, and why does everything a bride says make us weep and snot? Even after all the adoring, weeping and snotting, why is it sort of funny when the same bride spills something on her dress, or gets in a fight, or is forced to carry her own suitcase?

Clearly, we Americans are incredibly conflicted about marriage.

I can't wait to see this foul, foul show.

ILTW

Dear ILTW,

You sure hit the nail on the head with this:

"Plus, he and Alex Trebek are becoming really close buddies! When the show ends and everyone stands on the stage together, Alex and Ken chat happily while the other two contestants pick stuff out from under their fingernails."

I was a "Jeopardy" loser a couple of years ago, and Alex has a very clear bias in favor of the winners at the end of the show. I was up there with the other contestants trying to do the mingle/small talk, but he just wouldn't have it; he spends all his time chatting with the winner.

He will also like you more if you have an interestingly stupid personal story during that part of the show. Otherwise, you suck.

Eli Cotham
Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear Eli,

What an interestingly stupid personal story that is!

But I'm not surprised about old Trebek. Sometimes you just want to say to him, "Look, you're not fooling anyone. You're no genius. You're the guy with the melodic voice and the good hair."

I'm not like him. Personally, I prefer to talk to losers like yourself.

Best wishes!

ILTW

Want to chime in with an opinion, insight, or interestingly stupid personal story of your own? Just go to the new "I Like to Watch" thread on Table Talk, where I'll be chatting with loyal monkeys and indifferent monkeys alike about everything from the wit of Dave Foley on "Celebrity Poker Showdown" to those alarmingly metrosexual frat boys on "Big Brother 5," the show you don't really watch, not really. Because it's stupid.

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