To Miss Infinity and beyond!
"And now let's meet the 80 wonders of the world!"

From pure brains to pure beauty we go, in search of the next Miss Universe. Tuesday night's pageant was pure Trump from the starting gate, with Daisy Fuentes defying gravity in an '80s-style gown designed to reveal a wide swath of cleavage and under-boob. Meanwhile, under-boob Billy Bush was on hand to crack the jokes of a Bad American in Paris. After giving each contestant a personal tongue-bath with his eyes, he announced the first set of finalists with remarkable moron flair. Example: "Gonna be tough to stay neutral tonight -- where's Switzerland?!"

But that was just the tip of The Donald's iceberg. After a robotic group dance that called to mind Shields and Yarnell, the 80 "ambassadors of beauty" donned their native apparel, which apparently meant whipping out their country's version of a Vegas showgirl's outfit. Miss USA, who looks more like Malibu Barbie than any human I've ever seen, traipsed across the stage like an exotic dancer in a futuristic slut-cowboy outfit made up of a silver bikini and a huge white feather headdress.

Next was the evening-gown competition, featuring gowns nothing like the ones I remember from the '70s, which were basically the same skintight dress with a few different colors and necklines. This year, Miss Costa Rica stepped out in a see-through number that looked like it belonged in Britney Spears' dressing room, while Miss Australia donned what appeared to be a mass of gold lamé seaweed. Displaying remarkable taste, Miss USA marched onstage in a light-blue prom dress that Cinderella wouldn't have touched with a 10-foot pole.

The judges seemed to really dig the cheesiest and sleaziest, though, so all three of the above moved on to the top 10, but not until Gloria Estefan swaggered out to sing such timeless classics as "Turn the Beat Around" and "Conga," which should be fresh in your mind from the all-Estefan "American Idol," also known as the worst episode of "American Idol" ever. Next, all of the finalists put on the same exact bikini, which unfortunately emphasized the fact that all of the finalists have the same exact body, give or take half a cup size. Miss India was very petite, and Miss Trinidad & Tobago was very athletic, but the rest were big-breasted Amazons. Hmm. A whole universe filled with women, but somehow only the American ideal of beauty is represented onstage ...

Oh, don't worry your pretty little head over it. We're now down to five Amazons, and it's time for the Final Question, that one question that will determine who becomes the next Miss The Donald ... I mean, Miss Universe!

Miss USA was offered a lagniappe (something given or obtained gratuitously) of a question, but still sounded about as soulful as a frozen pizza.

Q: What do you think has been women's greatest contribution to today's world, and why?

Miss USA: By far, children! (Giggle) We wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for the caregiver, the homemaker, the person who takes care of the home and who makes it what it is. Yes, men are great, and we need men, but what would we do without women? Thank you!"

Controversial answer! Children, a great contribution to the world? Few would agree. Men, great? I think not! Women, essential? Needed? Now you're really going out on a limb, young lady.

After the next few finalists proclaimed puppies "cute" and food "yummy," Miss Trinidad & Tobago succeeded in making Miss USA look like a rocket scientist.

Q: What is one failure in your life that you learned the most about?

Miss Trinidad & Tobago: One failure I learned the most from in my life ... would definitely be when I hit my head on stage in my first fashion show, because here I am now, I learned how to walk and to overcome that fear of a big audience, and what a big audience we have here tonight!"

Ah yes, learning to walk in four-inch stilettos is indeed one of life's greatest challenges. Apparently, someone's been floating by on her schwarmerei for years now. Oh yeah -- her perfect face and body probably help, too.

The judges weren't having any of it. Miss Trinidad & Tobago was fourth runner-up, and it came down to Miss USA and Miss Australia in the top two. That's right! In a contest with about three or four blondes total, the top two finalists were both blond. Isn't it amazing? With countless shapes, sizes and colors of women in this great big universe of ours, the most beautiful of all are the fair-skinned Caucasians!

Mercifully, Miss Australia, who appeared to at least have blood flowing through her veins, won the crown, but she looked like she was having mixed feelings about it almost immediately. While the ladies gathered to cry and kiss and hug her, she simply looked shell-shocked and homesick.

Sure enough, in the papers the next day, Jennifer Hawkins revealed that she felt extremely sad about leaving her family and boyfriend in Australia to move to New York. She also said that she had the weirdest feeling in the world when she won, that she couldn't begin to explain it. That's OK! Please, don't even try.

Next week: Oyez! More schwarmerei for summer TV! HBO offers a lagniappe to out-of-work sitcom writers! Plus: Brenda and Nate show very little sophrosyne on the premiere of "Six Feet Under"!

Recent Stories