The correct answer is, of course, F. But for those of you who remain determined to drain your lives of all meaning, the only choice is E. The WB's "Summerland" (Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) manages to incorporate elements of "Party of Five" (dead parents, confused adult guardian), "The O.C." (story lines for adults and kids, sunshiny California setting), "Baywatch" (bikinis, insipid dialogue) and "Beverly Hills, 90210" (displaced Midwesterners, bikinis, insipid dialogue). And what, I ask, could be better than dead parents, confused adult guardians, story lines for adults and kids, Midwesterners, bikinis, insipid dialogue and a sunshiny California setting?

A lot of things, as it turns out. But this is how derivative TV is dreamt up by cynical imitators looking for a gig, and picked up by chumpy development executives who confuse a sloppy patchwork of vaguely familiar elements with a good pilot. So what else is new?

While the sexy singles and adorable orphans of "Summerland" don't live next door to John Stamos and the Olsen twins, Lori Loughlin -- who played Stamos' character's wife, Becky, on "Full House" -- is "Summerland's" lead character. Here's how her story goes, translated into lingo any small child and her Malibu Barbie can understand (and reenact, if necessary): Loughlin's character, Ava (Barbie), lives a carefree, happy life with her gal-pal (Christie) and two meaty guy-pals (Ken, Alan) in a swingin' pad on the beach. Ava works for a top fashion designer, which is such a cool job, but he's, like, a total jerk (GI Joe)! He wants them to fly to Japan together for a business meeting, but Ava's like, "No way! I don't care if you're my boss!" So she and her gal-pal decide to start their own fashion design company ... in Paris! ("Oh my God, we are totally going to Paris!" they squeal.) But then something terrible happens! Ava's sister and her husband (Skipper, Ken) who live on a really rainy, miserable farm in Kansas die when they're trying to save the ... farm or ... the village or something from ... the river. Or something. So the oldest son (Luke Skywalker?) calls Ava and he's crying and she's on the beach, and she's just decided to fly to Paris, but now ... she's got to raise these kids from Kansas instead! Bummer!

Ava is totally overwhelmed. She's just the Fun Aunt! She can't raise these kids! But then her three bestest friends totally want to help! You see, like most self-involved 30-somethings, they're anxious to sacrifice their time and personal freedom to raise other people's kids. It takes a village, after all.

Unfortunately, this village is inhabited by more than one idiot, from the coolio Australian surfer roomie whose fuck buddy shows up in the middle of the night, sneaks into bed and unbuttons her blouse before realizing that she's about to molest an 8-year-old, to the square-jawed manly stud roomie who lets the same 8-year-old wander off to the beach to play on big, scary rocks with waves crashing over them. The preteen girl is pouting, the teen boy is in love with his sexy, older surf instructor/seductress, and the youngest boy wants to die so he can meet his parents in heaven. The most compelling moment of the first hour of the show's premiere was, by far, a commercial introducing Reese's white chocolate peanut butter cups.

But, you know what? People might just watch "Summerland." And like it. Sexy singles raising needy orphans on a sun-dappled beach? That's almost as intriguing as white chocolate and peanut butter.

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