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Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
Why did the WB serve up this ridiculous "OC"/"Baywatch"/"Party of Five" concoction? Why do all Miss Universes have the same cup size? And why doesn't TV just shut down in the summer?
Jun 5, 2004 | Summertime!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your bookshelf, to go out to your garden, to call a few friends, to paint that trim in the bathroom, to make some plans for next Thursday night, along comes a whole new season of summer programming, one that's even more irresistibly fluffy and pointless than the last.
Why oh why do the networks insist on rolling out a full schedule of summer shows? Wasn't summer supposed to be the one time of year that we turned off our TVs?
Remember how the living used to be easy, just a few summers ago? Remember how you grilled fresh halibut and vegetables with little sprigs of rosemary on warm summer nights? Remember how you'd walk your golden retrievers by the honeysuckle and the weeping willows each evening as the sun set on the horizon? Remember how you'd whip up a pitcher of frozen Tangeritas, splash them into some festive pink glasses, and set out some chips and fresh mango salsa as some of your dearest, most photogenic friends arrived, and oddly enough, they'd all be wearing shades of pink that matched the pink in the glasses ... Wait, was that you, or Martha Stewart?
Does it really matter? At the very least, you used to buy the June issue of Martha Stewart and gaze at the pretty pictures while eating Fritos straight out of the bag. Now, sadly, you eat those Fritos in front of the TV set. It's pathetic, really, to see how far you've fallen.
Party of seven
Now that we've all come to accept the fact that we use TV as an escape from connecting with friends, enriching or educating ourselves, cooking delightful, nutritious meals, or speaking to the strangers we live with, it's time to discuss some of the latest televised distractions destined to deprive us of rich, fulfilling lives for the next few months.
Let's start with a little quiz: What happens when four attractive, single 30-somethings who live on a sunny beach in California suddenly find themselves raising three orphaned kids from the Midwest -- one teenager, one preteen and one child?
A) It's just like "Party of Five," except they don't live next door to those adorable twins from "Full House," Jennifer Love's Hewitts are nowhere in sight and the guy who plays Charlie mopes around a lot less.
B) It's just like "Baywatch," except with more Important Life Lessons and less cleavage, plus none of the guys has the raw charm and sex appeal of David Hasselhoff.
C) It's just like "The O.C.," except there's no mansion, no big parties where someone gets punched in the jaw and falls into the pool, no Adam Brody, and no angsty tunes by "The Fire Theft" to amp up the emotional impact of Ryan gazing pensively out the car window during magic hour.
D) It's just like "Beverly Hills, 90210" except the parents are far less square, the kids are far less sexy and there are far fewer snappy lines, like when Ian Ziering's girlfriend du jour caught him flirting with a hot chick and snipped, "Just remember who butters your bagel!"
E) All of the above.
F) I'm not watching TV this summer, damn it!
