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Saturday, Jul 11, 2009
"Bachelor" fumbles first big play, and Nick and Jessica revive variety kitsch -- but who asked them to? Plus: "The Sopranos" just keeps getting darker.
Apr 12, 2004 | Fumble!
"Ladies, I'm sorry for taking that time, I'm very embarrassed to tell you this. Katie, I accidentally called out the wrong name, giving you that last rose."
As quarterback for the New York Giants, Jesse Palmer is accustomed to making tough plays under pressure. Apparently, though, memorizing all of those complicated offensive strategies left little room in his brain for the names of the 25 women standing before him in evening gowns, their hopes and dreams already pinned to his burly shoulders. After giving Katie Karen's rose and then grimacing in pain, Jesse yelled for host Chris Harrison's help. The two men then retreated to the courtyard for a negotiation more tense than President Palmer's recent discussions with Wade on the pros and cons of surrendering control of the free world to a terrorist mastermind. Like Wade, Chris wanted nothing to do with Jesse's blunder, and left the responsibility to rip the rose out of Katie's hand up to the normally smooth (see also: smoov) quarterback.
So after much grunting and sighing and "Oh, man"-ing, Jesse, who we'll just refer to as "Smoov" from now on, strode back into the room filled with teary-eyed wannabe Elizabeth Hasselbecks in sequins, and informed poor Katie that her rose was meant for someone else, but that he would "extend her the option" of staying. Like a hungry teenager at the Shoney's breakfast bar shoving French toast sticks into her handbag, Katie's face said "Damn straight I'm staying," but she voiced this sentiment in a carefree way, like, "What the hell? Why not just stay and see if shame and desperation win his heart? After all, what man doesn't find groveling attractive?"
But that's a testament to the stick-tuitiveness of these Bachelor girls, isn't it? Give them the Heisman and they'll brush the grass and dirt off their knees and line up for the next play. Which is nice, because this year, things are going to get nasty. In an attempt to raise the stakes and lower the bar "Average Joe"-style, the producers have thrown in a "spy" -- a close friend of Jesse's, married to his best friend -- who will pretend to be one of the women trying to win him over. Forget that "Average Joe: Adam Returns" was flatly awful and featured one of the least suspenseful or interesting finales in the long, storied history of dating shows. The spy is here to stir up trouble, mostly by creeping us out with her blurred face and distorted voice. (Of course, her identity is readily available on the Television Without Pity forums for those who are losing sleep over that horrid, hazy face each night.)
Although "The Bachelor" franchise has all of the excitement and appeal of a dream date at Hardee's, between the spy, the so-called "gold-digging skank" Trish, a stalker (I'm banking on the contestant previewed remarking: "It's really hard seeing all these other girls date my boyfriend") and Jesse's blunders, the show might at least be worthy of some TiVo-aided high-speed viewing. Without TiVo, I'd never make it through a single episode of "American Idol," not to mention those hubcap replacement moments on "Pimp My Ride," or the seven-minute-long commercial breaks during "The Real World."
