Like taking Shandi from a baby
In case you doubted the power of the boob flash, look no further than UPN's recent crackdown on the omnipotent one, Tyra Banks, whose powers far exceed those of both Josh and Derrick combined, but unfortunately don't exceed those of the FCC. As if there weren't enough reasons to strongly recommend "America's Next Top Model," last week's episode was said to contain an orgy scene involving aspiring models and hot young Italian men. Yes, that's right. Models and hot Italian guys. Ever been to Italy? No? Ever seen any World Cup soccer?

So how much are we hating Janet Jackson and her dumb boob right now? If the FCC is going to go ballistic and make all of the networks flinchy, you'd at least hope that it would be over something truly dirty and exciting, like, for example, an orgy involving aspiring models and hot young Italian men. I think I could write that all day: hot young Italian men. Italian men who are young and hot. Hot young men from Italy. Hot young Italians.

While those of you whose inner preteens died of overdoses years ago are wishing that tape of Link TV's "Ethics and the World Crisis: A Dialogue with the Dalai Lama" got here on time for me to review it, I know the rest of you are concerned about the Pulled Orgy Crisis. Apparently, all of the models and the hot young Italian men got into a hot tub together and made out, and according to last week's teaser, Shandi had sex with one of the men and ended up crying to her boyfriend on the phone about it. We'll be treated to a toned-down version of the whole thing Tuesday night at 9 p.m. on UPN, but our sick minds will wonder what we're missing the whole time.

Now I understand that any mature adults who still read this column might be appalled, but you really have to watch the show to appreciate that this is exceptional television in motion. Or maybe you just have to relate to the idea of being young and pretty and drunk on wine in a hot tub in Milan with a bunch of naked Italian men. I guess that means you either have to be gay, or a former slut. Or maybe you just have to embrace the concept of sluttiness. I don't know. This year's aspiring model finalists are all so smart and nice, I want them to have as much stupid fun as I would've had if someone had thrown me into a hot Italian Man Soup back then -- which they didn't, damn it. And I want to be able to see it all on TV, of course.

Oh god. How did this column get to be so long? See what happens when you try to cram the genealogy of family sitcoms, Adam Brody, Josh Schwartz, David Cross and hot young Italians onto a few pages? I have so many Good Things on my hands I feel like Martha Stewart, but without the big bank account and the criminal record. I also have five or six more personality disorders than Martha, but that comment is litigable, and it hasn't been funny for at least four years now.

Next week: The strange, soothing powers of those bickering couples on Bravo's "Significant Others." Plus: Would you rather have MTV pimp your ride or give you a famous face?

Recent Stories