The show's stupidest pet trick is the murder that -- surprise! -- isn't actually a murder. Thus, we're treated to the dog that shoots his owner's friend by stepping on a rifle, or that spent bullet hurled into a woman's neck by hurricane-force winds. In one episode, it turns out that a girl who appears to have been murdered really just tripped, hit her head on a rock, fell into a swamp, and was sucked dry by leeches. In the same "spring break" episode that features the girl who should've had the time of her life but ended it instead, a kid gets too high on pot and has an aneurism. Instead of calling an ambulance, his friends drag him up to the roof of their hotel and jump from the roof into the hotel pool together, leaving the dead kid at the bottom of the pool. "We didn't want to get into trouble," the meddling kids explain.

While "CSI: Miami" is clearly the "Baywatch Nights" of the franchise, that doesn't keep "CSI" from veering into moronic territory occasionally. On one episode, Gil Grissom (William Petersen) and Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) investigate the death of a couple who recently attended a "furries" convention with all of the leaden dorkiness of Quincy tracking down the latest club drug.

Gil: Well, Freud said that the only unnatural sexual behavior was to have none at all. And after that, it's just a question of opportunity and preference. And evidently, many prefer the feel of fur to the texture of human skin.

Catherine: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a 6-foot weasel!

Later, one of the furries explains what happens at their gatherings. "It started as a scritch, then everybody got into a fur pile, and then we were yiffing." What's the relevance of this fur pile? Well, you see, a dead guy in a raccoon suit was found at the side of the road next to a dead woman in a wrecked car, and the experts suspected foul play. As it turned out, though, raccoon boy got out of the car to throw up, and a local farmer shot him, thinking he was a coyote. He stumbled out into the road, where his girlfriend ran over him in her car, then hit a truck head-on and died. Plausible, no?

But, while Petersen and Helgenberger occasionally interact in unexpected ways and with mildly interesting characters, the dialogue of "CSI: Miami" is about as compelling and nuanced as the chatter in most video games. In fact, some scenes actually look like they were ripped straight from "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City."

Horatio: So the kid is dealing for you?

Maurice: He's my best retailer -- got a growing client base. You know how crazy those junkies get.

Horatio: Yes. Crazy enough to kill!

How does TV this bad draw an audience? Look no further than the countless episodes of "The Love Boat" and "The Dukes of Hazard" ingrained in your memory. Ridiculous stories will always sell as long as they're packed in a flashy exterior. Thus, sharks and call girls and reckless teenagers propel "CSI: Miami" to the Top 10 list, while quality shows like "Boomtown" are canceled.

"CSI" lead Petersen has been outspoken about his opposition to the creation of further spinoffs, which he argues dilute the quality of the original series. In a recent interview with Playboy, Petersen griped about the inferior quality of "CSI: Miami" and openly insulted his collaborators. When asked by the Playboy reporter whom he'd like to see on the show as "guest corpses," Petersen said, "The big three would be [CBS chairman] Les Moonves, [Alliance Atlantis Entertainment Group CEO] Peter Sussman and Jerry Bruckheimer, all of whom are getting filthy rich off this show."

But if the powers behind "CSI" are shooting themselves in the foot by expanding too fast, there certainly aren't any blood spatters or spent bullets around to prove it.

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