Idolatry Inc.
While you have to hand it to Nick for being as confident and strong as the state of our union, he may want to refresh his memory on why he agreed to appear on a reality TV show in the first place, lest he end up on "The Surreal Life" someday, X-ing out his own face and holding court on the cheesiness of former reality TV stars. As incredibly inconvenient as it might be to be interrupted while you're standing on the sidewalk doing absolutely nothing, perhaps Nick should remind himself that many, many people in this country would gladly cut off their right testicle for the chance to be on television.

For further proof of this phenomenon, merely tune in to the mind-bogglingly popular "American Idol." I made a solemn vow not to watch the show this season, since it's the rough equivalent of hanging out in a karaoke bar, except without the ABBA songbook or the shots of tequila. Unfortunately, though, when I told a friend about my solemn vow, he started describing some of the awful singers who auditioned in Atlanta on the last show, and before I knew it, there I was, laughing and cringing at them all, and although I was hating myself for it, I just couldn't get enough. It bothers me how mean the judges are, and I hate seeing these poor deluded kids' faces drop as Simon and Randy and Paula find creative ways to rip them to shreds. But there's something fascinating about witnessing how few people are truly talented in this world, and how many of the untalented will do absolutely anything to get on TV.

Ultimately, "American Idol" is a bizarre combination of a superiority trip and an exercise in idolatry. As viewers, we scoff and jeer at those without talent, as if they have no excuse for being alive, and then cheer and swoon over the select few who make it to the end, as if they're incredibly special, fantastic humans instead of just reasonably talented vocalists.

Naturally, I'm a part of the whole sick herd. I cried when Tamyra was eliminated during the first season. Plus, what kind of normal human is thrilled to talk to a contestant on "The Apprentice"?

I'm too sexy for my personality disorder
When you really think about it -- and I know you don't, because you have way better things to do -- most of these shows have more to do with watching people stress out about how they're coming across than anything else.

One of the many delicious things about "America's Next Top Model" -- you know, in addition to the hot girls and the backstabbing and the nudity and Tyra "Tyrant" Banks, and the fashions and the designers and Janice Dickinson shouting things like "Are you kidding me with that walk?" and "The posey-wosey at the end of the runway really repulsed me, I'm sorry!" -- is watching the girls panic as they consider just how their bitchy comments or mistakes or smutty behaviors are going to play with viewers across America. Clearly, there aren't that many aspiring models in this country who think it's a sin to get partially naked for the camera, at least when the TV cameras aren't rolling. But get these girls on TV, and suddenly they're spouting platitudes about right and wrong and bad and good, as if you can be a fashion model and never be doused in body paint or chicken feathers, never be forced to straddle a half-naked male in a vat of whipped cream, never have your nipples tweaked by some tyrannical designer as you head for the catwalk wearing a tutu and some combat boots.

And the irony of it all is that those who care the most about their images are the very ones who come across as the biggest losers (see also: Vanilla Ice, Justin Guarini from "American Idol," Zack from "Paradise Hotel," and Sam from "The Apprentice.") The more they try to control how others see them, the more ridiculous they look.

It's just like in real life, isn't it? See how much you can learn from watching crappy TV?

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