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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Will Gary Coleman be deep fried by Vanilla Ice? Are The Donald's apprentices out to lunch? Who really cares, when Janice Dickinson is back in all her gory glory?
Jan 26, 2004 | My other car is a black Lincoln Navigator
The votes are in, and the winner of the Fix "24" Contest is ... Allie Gerlach, for her crafty plot solutions outlined in Entry No. 5. In Allie's master plan, Claudia's dad is an undercover Mexican CIA, Jack kills Claudia to prove his loyalty, Wayne is in cahoots with Nina, President Palmer dies from hand-to-hand combat with his brother, Sherry returns to help Jack, even more people die, and a little kid screams "Abuelo!"
Honorable mentions go to Conrad Spoke's No. 2 (evil brother and brain-eating nanobots) and Jim Treacher's No. 6 (musical episode), both of which received many, many votes, but not enough to win the title and the "I Brake For Kiefer Sutherland" bumper sticker. Allie, send us your address and we'll send you the "big" prize, plus we'll stop by your house when you're not home and rifle through your frilly underthings.
Too cold! Too cold!
You don't watch the WB's "The Surreal Life." I know that. And who can blame you, really? What could be informative or inspiring about a bunch of has-beens living in a house together? Nothing, as it turns out. That's why you won't be remotely interested when I tell you that last week, during a visit to Mel's Drive-in, Vanilla Ice picked up guest star Gary Coleman and threatened to throw him into the deep fryer.
I know. You're above shows this stupid. That's why you won't care when I tell you that when Todd Bridges showed up, Vanilla Ice decided that Coleman just had to say "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" to him, and even though Coleman was clearly mortified, Vanilla Ice just wouldn't take no for an answer. Yes, you're far too busy and important for such tripe. That's why it won't matter to you that Vanilla Ice chased Coleman down and picked him up and carried him back to Bridges like a bad little doggie, and no matter how angry and humiliated Coleman got, Vanilla Ice just wouldn't give up, all the while shouting at him, "Say it! Say it! Everyone wants you to say it!" and it was so bad that eventually Coleman stormed out of the restaurant and called a cab.
Now, whether you're into this kind of thing or not -- and I know that you're not -- you might find it curious that Vanilla Ice should torment Coleman, given Ice's utter hatred of his own former image. After all, when Ice isn't drawing huge X's over his "Ice, Ice Baby"-era photos in the house, he's attacking other former stars for being cheesy and pathetic. Can you personally think of anyone cheesier or more pathetic than Vanilla Ice?
And then there was the day that Tammy Faye Messner, Ron Jeremy, Trishelle from "The Real World," Traci Bingham, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice went door to door, offering their neighbors brownies. After one neighbor said, "I don't have time for celebrities," and shut the door in their faces, Vanilla Ice (aka this season's Cory Feldman) became so enraged, he spent the next few hours worrying out loud that the show was trying to make them all look stupid.
Ahem. How paranoid of him.
Ice [to camera]: Here we are, looking like jackasses, walking up to the door with brownies. That's already dorky-ish looking, you know? And then on national TV to have a door slammed in your face, I just don't like being humiliated like that.
Erik Estrada: In our business, we're used to getting the door slammed in our face.
Ron Jeremy: It's a way of life.
Ice: I ain't down with it. There's a cheese factor involved. Dude, everybody cracks jokes about that shit, and I don't feel like being the butt-end of all the jokes anymore. I've been there, I don't like it, OK? I'm beyond that.
Ice [to camera]: It just looks stupid to me. I don't feel like looking like a big dork on TV. It's just ridiculous.
Ice: I've got a strong following that embraces what I do today and how I am as a real person, not something that's a cheesy image that's based off fucking hairdos and baggy pants. There's a huge cheese factor to having anything done with Gary Coleman. You guys don't know that? He's a joke, dude. "Gary Coleman's running for fucking governor, ha ha!"
Jeremy(to the camera): He felt there was too much of a cheese factor. But I kinda like cheese, and I'm a ham, so these things don't bother me.
Making lunch (out of nothing at all)
Kristi on The Donald: "When I got off the jet, I thought, 'I'd better start thinking "This is my jet."' It was a taste of the Trump lifestyle, and it was a teaching tool of: you have to want those things and aspire to those things if you want to be like Trump."
The Donald on Sam: "I think he's going to get some company in huge trouble, or he's going to take some company to a level they never knew about."
Ereka on Omarosa: "Being a bitch is gonna be your problem. You're gonna have to live with that for the rest of your life."
Bush on America: "The American people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong."
Even though they've got a clear hit on their hands in "The Apprentice," the lily-livered peacocks at NBC are not confident and strong in the face of "American Idol," and have run screaming from a competing time slot on Wednesday night for some supposedly safer real estate on Thursday. Wait, doesn't that pit them against CSI, the top-rated show on television? Oh well, why not? It only requires moving "Will & Grace" up from 9 to 8:30 p.m., shifting "Scrubs" to Tuesday nights, then moving "Happy Family" to another time slot. Scattering your Must-See TV night to the wind is a little like winning the World Series, then trading away all of your best players. Will NBC rebuild by cultivating new talent, as the Florida Marlins did? Or will Jeff Zucker spend the next decade wandering drunk in the halls of NBC headquarters, wailing Jennifer Aniston's name?
Who cares? Now that I'm two TiVos strong, scheduling challenges don't concern me. As long as I can watch those petty über-professionals pander to The Donald and bicker like children each week, I'm happy. So far, I think it's clear that Amy, Kwame, Bill and Nick have the best chances of becoming The Donald's little helper, and I was cheering all four of them on to victory until I ran into Nick while we were each waiting for a table at the same Westside bakery the other day. Glazed from having just watched two TiVoed episodes of "The Apprentice" in a row, I walked up and congratulated him on how he's played the game so far. Nick didn't say a word or even crack a smile. Quickly grasping his predicament, I told him I realized he probably couldn't talk about the show, but I'd love to interview him once it's over. He said nothing but examined me like I was something he had just scraped off his boot. Had he just scraped me off his boot? Suddenly I couldn't remember. Just as I was backing away, Amy appeared. She seemed a little nervous but was still friendly, and urged Nick to find the show's publicist's number. He glumly pulled out a business card and, instead of handing it to me or even showing it to me, called out the number so I could find a pen and write it down.
I know. Nick sounds a little harsh. But listen, it is super taxing to be such a big star. Why, I'll bet the poor guy gets chased by squealing teenage girls everywhere he goes! I mean, all he ever wanted was to be the best damn copier salesman that he could be, and now look at him, harassed by the press when he's just trying to step out for a bite to eat with his new girl!
Whoa, new girl? Why are you jumping to conclusions like that? I'm sure they're just really good friends, OK? Why don't you mind your own business, nosey. You're part of the problem, do you know that?
