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Monday, Nov 23, 2009
Entry No. 2
Remember that techno-geek from last season, the one who was in cahoots with evil Mrs. Palmer? I forget what he was doing, but he was in deep shit and he died on a roof while the helicopter flew away, right? Well, he has a brother who is even more evil, and he wants to get revenge on Jack and the whole Impossible Missions Force via the most elaborate machinations possible. We know that he knows this is how it's done because he has a very beat-up tape of "Die Hard 3," which is playing as he loads several stacks of new 20s, a big spooky silver canister and a box of Animal Crackers into a duffel bag, kisses his grandma in the kitchen, walks down the middle of Main Street, points a custom-designed remote control over his left shoulder, says, "Please be kind, rewind," and then pushes the red button, blowing grandma's house to smithereens.
Eviler Brother meets up with the Drug Lords and gives them the canister. It fits neatly into a special slot in the BioHazard 3000 Multi Mixer. They put on Dr. No suits and test the brew by spraying a peasant. The peasant sneezes and apologizes for voting for Vicente Fox, which seemed like a good idea at the time. He stands there in a daze, sneezing. Two episodes later, his brain melts and runs out his ears.
Meanwhile, Kim gets her nipples pierced and Tony Almeida works on a really hard Jumble.
Something happens, and something else happens, and a fleet of black Lincoln Navigators drive across greater Los Angeles, releasing plague out of their exhaust pipes. All across the city, people stop what they're doing, start apologizing for everything bad they've every done and sneeze a lot.
The IMF team discovers that the plague that 20 million people just ingested is merely the common cold. Then the NerdGirl turns the electron microscope up to Instant 3-D High Resolution and sees tiny little robots. Nanobots are inside the flu virus! And they are eating peoples' brains! Chomp, chomp, chomp!
Suddenly, Jack Bauer starts sneezing and apologizing for every movie he's ever made besides "Lost Boys," "Stand By Me," "Dark City" and "Freeway." He has the cold, and he has only two hours before his brain melts!
The Eviler Brother, who was caught several episodes ago, is forced to listen to this litany of cinematic disasters and has a nervous breakdown. He has a complete 180-degree reversal of personality and motivation, and decides to help save Jack.
President Palmer orders a crack team of Junk Yard Wars guys to show up at IMF. They put together a microwave oven, a leaf blower and all of NerdGirl's vibrators to build a Nano-Reducer. They crank it up and shrink Kim Bauer and a Jet Ski down to the size of a virus. Except that clothes don't shrink. They stick a catheter up Jack's penis, and away she goes.
I haven't yet worked out the last hour, but when Kim battles the Nanobots, I think she should do something clever with her nipple rings.
-- Conrad Spoke
OK, Conrad. You had me at "Eeeviler Brother." Then you lost me at "crack team of Junk Yard Wars guys," because that sounded too much like "The X-Files" or one of those episodes of "The Simpsons" where Homer comes up with an elaborate scheme and collaborates brilliantly with others instead of scarfing doughnuts on the couch like he's meant to. Then you had me again at "penis."
In unrelated news, the first two times I read your e-mail, for some reason I misread "peasant" as "pheasant," as in "They put on Dr. No suits and test the brew by spraying a pheasant. The pheasant sneezes and apologizes for voting for Vicente Fox, which seemed like a good idea at the time. He stands there in a daze, sneezing. Two episodes later, his brain melts and runs out his ears." I didn't understand your choice of pheasant, but was quick to assume my own ignorance was to blame. Was there a major pheasant population South of the Border? Were pheasants the white rats of the new millennium? Finally I determined that you had a real genius for throwing in that bizarre detail that skews the entire picture, further proof of which was reflected in your referring to the pheasant as a "he."
And you have to admit, a pheasant whose brain melts out his ears is sort of endearing, whereas a peasant in the same situation is just plain sad, unless he's a cocky drug-peddling peasant or a snotty peasant with a head full of blond ringlets who teases the awkward girl at school about her outdated shoes.
I say bring on the pheasant. In fact, let's animate the little guy and fill him to the brim with wiseass remarks. See how it works? Your story can be wandering aimlessly for half a season, but the second you throw in a small animal with a smart mouth, you're in business. But you didn't suggest that, so don't go taking credit for it. Next!
