Look, it's my duty to watch the newest stuff, and if there's a nighttime soap that actually gets good ratings, well, then, I've got to get at the bottom of that trend. Also, that Ryan guy is pretty cute.

The truth is, every time I watch "The O.C." in the beginning, I feel a little guilty, like I should be watching policy makers fret and pace the halls of the White House instead. But then Peter Gallagher does his weirdly likable dad thing, and his son Seth -- I love Seth! -- has such a strange, believable way of delivering his lines, and oooh, I hate Marissa's mother sooo much! It's like "90210" with better plots, a far more lovable family, and without that awful Jenny Garth. Call me shallow, but sometimes I'd rather see hot teenagers kiss on the Ferris wheel than watch Donna and Josh flirt innocently, only to be interrupted by the latest poll data on Qumar.

But worry not, West Wingers. Now that I have two TiVos, I can watch everything. Everything! The TV world is mine, all of it! Every stinking, wretched corner of it!

Hungry, hungry hippie
Recognizing the value of having an irritating villain along for the ride, the producers of "Survivor" suddenly decided to merge the tribes, thereby saving creepy Jon's hide. Taking their cue from that timeless classic, "Drunk Asshole Hotel," they threw previously ejected tribe members Lill and Burton back into the mix. Now, suddenly, Burton is sitting pretty while the Morgan tribe's self-proclaimed leader, Andrew Savage, unexpectedly got the boot.

This week's teasers seem to suggest that Balboa members will seek to eject Sweetums soon, but given how often Sweetums' face has appeared on "Survivor" promos lately, I doubt the promotional whiz kids would elevate him to the level of Pearl Islands Golden God only to kill their golden goose.

Sweetums' vengeance is swift and fierce, isn't it? But passionate a pirate as he is, his wrath can sometimes be a little bit overwhelming. Then again, he seems to emote directly to the source of his ire, and then offer a second chance like a good daddy. Is that what a good daddy does? Or does he hold in all of his emotions and then smash something to little bits? Either way, I'm betting that Sweetums isn't going anywhere, and even though everyone hates creepy Jon, I'm guessing he'll be around for a while, too. And thus, all is well in the world. Someone to love and fear, and someone to make your skin crawl.

Tune in next week, when I forsake reality TV to update you on all of those really serious, weighty dramas that you don't watch, either.

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