If he's got Darrell Hammond, Jeff "Drunk Girl" Richards, Maya Rudolph and plenty of other talented comics to work with, why are we watching Lorne Michaels persuade Britney Spears to kiss host Halle Berry? Is this SNL or "The Man Show"?

"Kids in the Hall" is a different sort of animal altogether, to be fair. They're surreal to the point of total idiocy and nonsense, and most of their stuff isn't live. SNL's pretaped segments are always the highlight of the show, from "TV Funhouse" to the fake ads for "Gaystrogen." But aside from dependable skits like Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace and Darrell Hammond as "Hardball's" Chris Matthews, the skits this year are predictable, they last way too long, and they end with a thud. For chrissakes, even if the whole skit sucks, at least end with a joke and a tagline. Even the refrigerator magnets who write for "Rock Me Baby" can do that much.

Oversweeping my welcome
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "You're not so funny yourself, you lumpy TV addict!" And you're right, but it's not my fault I'm not British or Canadian.

You know, I think I understand why the British are so quick-witted, but Canadians? Why are Canadians so damn funny? Mike Myers anyone? Tom Green? Phil Hartman? Is there some secret ingredient in Canadian bacon that makes these guys hysterical? Celine Dion -- where did she get the gift of laughter?

Will the hammer of the p.c. gods crush me to smithereens for pointing out that Germans aren't so funny? And what's wrong with the Swiss, exactly? Why are Swedes so good at making cool, cheap furniture and songs like "Take a Chance on Me," and so very bad at comedy?

I'm not pretending to know -- I'm just speaking from my personal experience. Now, admittedly, I've experienced about as much in this life as your common roof rat has. But as far as I can tell, Jewish people are funnier than all but the most depraved Catholics, and Catholics are funnier than most of those from the Protestant faiths, unless they're Canadian or British. Southern Baptists can be funny, but sometimes it's not intentional. The only exception is Unitarians, who are incredibly funny, particularly when they stand up and sing "We Are the World" and everyone has to hold clammy hands and you can smell the failure of your neighbor's rock deodorant.

Now that I've cut my readership roughly in half, I can ask those of you who are left: Why does money so often make people less and less funny? Why are out-of-shape people funnier than fit people? Why are women in expensive shoes so rarely funny, and does that completely explain this past season of "Sex and the City"?

I think small animals are funny, don't you? I was watching "Dogs With Jobs" the other day, and there was this little dog called Peek who could open drawers in the kitchen, pick up dropped spoons, and help her owner make the bed by dragging the pillows into place. It was hilarious! It was also kind of cool when...

TiVo through the tulips
OK, I admit it. I watch way too much TV. I don't mean to brag -- or put myself down -- but I just got a second TiVo. The second TiVo has two inputs, so that now, I can record three different channels of television at the same time.

Head-spinning, isn't it? It might even sound a little bit excessive to you, until you put yourself in my shoes and recognize that, not only do I need to buy some new shoes soon, but I also get a lot of mail from three different camps. The first camp wonders why I haven't written more about "The O.C." The second camp wants to know what I think of Bachelor Bob. The third camp wants to know whether or not I agree that "The West Wing" is a slow-motion train wreck this season. And while, as a critic, naturally I'm happy to make up opinions about each and every one of these shows, the problem is that they're all on at the same exact time. I mean, sure, I'm guessing that Bob is charming in a smug way, which works well on camera but gets old within two episodes, and I'm guessing that "The West Wing" may have lost some of its subtlety and intelligence, but anything that displaces that worn-out manic, quippy cadence has got to be a refreshing change for the better, but I don't really know the truth because...

That's right. I've been watching "The O.C."

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