10:21 p.m. Here comes the president of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to congratulate the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences on what a great show the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences has put on tonight. He's wearing a little too much blush.

10:22 p.m. Whoa, here comes Walter Cronkite. I remember watching him on TV when I was really little. I always got him confused with Henry Kissinger. Now I can tell them apart, though, because Cronkite has one really long, stray eyebrow, and Kissinger doesn't.

10:26 p.m. Ray Romano presents Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award. Cosby thanks his wife of 40 years, who looks about 35. Then he talks about his deceased son Ennis, which is kind of sad, and about Mister Rogers, which is also sad.

10:39 p.m. Martin Short: "If everyone were a winner, there wouldn't be anyone to look down on." Next, he sings an ode to the losers, which he rhymes with "future substance abusers." Good stuff, despite yet another J.Lo-and-Ben joke midsong.

10:43 p.m. Outstanding actor in a comedy series nominees are Larry David, Ray Romano, Matt LeBlanc, Bernie Mac, Eric McCormack and Tony Shalhoub. Guess who wins. Just guess. I don't care if you don't know who Tony Shalhoub is, guess anyway. He's on "Monk." Go ahead, guess.

10:44 p.m. Wrong! Shalhoub wins it. He says his nephew died this week. That's really, really sad. Now I'm glad he won.

10:47 p.m. Oh, sweet Jesus, time for a John Ritter tribute. Luckily, it's not a very well-done montage, or I'd be too weepy to write this highly detailed and informative description of the show you should be really glad you didn't watch.

10:49 p.m. Oh man, more dead people! This is torturous. Gregory Hines. Richard Crenna. Nell Carter. Buddy Hackett. Johnny Cash. Katharine Hepburn. James Coburn. Charles Bronson. Buddy Ebsen. David Brinkley. Gregory Peck. Fred Rogers. Bob Hope. Are we paying for our irreverence during the first half of the show with a full half-hour of unmitigated sadness?

10:59 p.m. The show is almost over. Looks like we'll end on a very low, low note. But it's nice that Edie Falco won outstanding actress in a drama series for "The Sopranos," anyway. And, to round things out, James Gandolfini wins too, for outstanding actor in a drama series.

11:06 p.m. What time is it? Are we going over? Is that what we're doing? Is this remotely fair? "CSI," "The Sopranos," "The West Wing," "24" and "Six Feet Under" are all nominated for outstanding drama series. Guess who wins. I'm gonna guess "Six Feet Under," OK? What's your guess?

11:07 p.m. Nope, we're both wrong! "The West Wing" takes it, which really makes little sense to me, considering how amazing "Six Feet Under" was last season. Aaron Sorkin accepts, along with 30 other humans who can't believe it, considering how amazing "Six Feet Under" was last season. I'm betting a good fourth of those people (including Sorkin, of course) aren't even working on the show this season.

11:08 p.m. "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Sex and the City," "Friends," "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Will & Grace" are nominated for outstanding comedy series. I'm gonna go ahead and guess that "Everybody Loves Raymond" wins this one, based on our previously established Sweep Situation.

11:09 p.m. Wow, I'm pretty sharp. "Everybody Loves Raymond" wins. And here's the Nicest Guy in the Universe, Phil Rosenthal, to accept his award. This is pretty funny -- he's talking about how he wanted to do a traditional, well-made, classic sitcom but the studio wanted him to do a "hip and edgy" show. Wait a minute. This sounds really familiar. How could that be?

Nah, I must be hallucinating out of sheer boredom and desperation. Luckily, the show is finally over and it's time for bed. I hope you had a nice time working on your favorite puzzle or jarring pickled beets for the winter months, because I certainly enjoyed walking across the hot coals of Award Show Hell for your benefit. And I learned some important lessons, like the fact that Ricky Williams is a great runner partially because he's so patient, and that growing older in Hollywood means working out and dieting constantly, even though some young guy will refer to you as ancient in front of a massive audience either way. Being famous does have its benefits, though. Like when you break up with your fiancé and they make about 15 or 20 cruel jokes about it on the Emmys. Or when your sudden death is teased repeatedly on national TV. That's what it's all about, you know? That's the dream we all strive for here in Tinseltown, when we're not telling bad "Queer Eye" jokes and bumping into Joan Rivers at the podiatrist's office.

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