8:45 p.m. Back to my apartment (thank the Lord) and I'm hoping Boyfriend can dream up some really funny jokes or insights for this piece, but he keeps saying things like, "I can't believe Ricky Williams had 42 carries for 153 yards!" and "Junior Seau had a great sack! Afterward, he screamed at the crowd like a maniac! It was so cool!" I finally told him he's stepping on King Kaufman's turf and he'd better step the hell off.

8:47 p.m. More awards that seem sort of insignificant, in the big scheme of things. A writer from "Everybody Loves Raymond" wins for best episode or something like that and calls Phil Rosenthal "the best writer in the business." Then a guy from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" calls Larry David "the greatest comic mind working in television today." Maybe those two superlative-hurlers should be forced to settle this like men, in a bare-knuckled brawl, right there on the stage ...

9:09 p.m. Joey Pants wins outstanding supporting actor in a drama series. That's a serious surprise. He's choking up, and wearing some kind of a golf cap over his bald head. Remember how, when they cut off Ralphie's head on "The Sopranos," his wig fell off and it freaked Christopher out, because he didn't know Ralphie was bald? That was cool. I didn't know he was bald, either.

9:30 p.m. Jon Stewart and the writers of "The Daily Show" win for outstanding writing in a variety/music/comedy program. Darryl Hammond trots out his imitation of Donald Rumsfeld and ruthlessly insults "Yes, Dear," which makes everyone uncomfortable because it doesn't involve the reckless use of superlatives.

9:38 p.m. Here's Wanda Sykes to jeer at the losers and pass around high school sporting trophies as consolation prizes, which is pretty funny. She probably should've hosted the whole thing. Now she's trying to get the crowd to do the Electric Slide, and the self-conscious mice are just glued to their seats, smiling politely. Wait! Peter Krause from "Six Feet Under" jumps up and tries to dance with her. Bonus points for Krause! He'd better win something.

9:30 p.m. Oh my god, we're only at the halfway point. Help. Here's Dennis Miller to introduce lowlights from the year in television, from Madonna kissing Britney to a clip of a little black dog making sweet love to a white teddy bear. I think the Emmy goes to the dog, definitely. Oh! It goes to Jon Stewart and "The Daily Show"! Excellent! Outstanding variety, music or comedy series -- what an awful name for an award. We've got three hours, can't we manage separate awards for these three categories? Are there music shows at all, or is this an outdated Lawrence Welk type of category that should've been eliminated decades ago?

9:57 p.m. Now George Lopez is making J.Lo jokes. Can you imagine being J.Lo right now, and being the brunt of every bad joke, just because ... what did she do wrong again, aside from that song about how her diamonds were confusing us? George is bombing, but there are laughs galore. "Survivor: East L.A."? Didn't I hear that one three years ago? Beer-goggle jokes getting big laughs? Are there paid laughers in this fraudience or what?

9:59 p.m. Looks like "Amazing Race," "American Idol" and "Survivor" are up against each other, along with that Bob Hope special and some American Film Institute thing, which for some reason got lumped into the "reality" category. I can't believe "Drunk Asshole Hotel" wasn't even nominated. "Amazing Race" wins, though, which is nice.

10:02 p.m. Outstanding made-for-TV movie goes to "Door to Door," starring William H. Macy. As the nominees are announced, my boyfriend has taken to shouting "No!" at the screen after each one, until they come to his personal favorite. This is good, because it makes the show just a tiny bit more exciting than it was a minute ago, before he started shouting. It also keeps me from falling asleep.

10:13 p.m. Damon Wayans comes out to announce outstanding actress in a comedy series. "Most of the actresses here tonight weren't even born when the first awards were given out 55 years ago," he says. "Except for Doris Roberts, who was actually 53 at the time." Huh? Cut to Doris Roberts, biting her nail, and shaking her head with a half-confused, half-annoyed frown on her face. Note to Wayans: Age jokes are funny for men, not so funny for women and grounds for execution by older actresses.

10:14 p.m. Debra Messing wins! That's a shocker, actually.

10:15 p.m. OK, how many times in one hour can they tease "a fond farewell to John Ritter" right before the commercial break? And how incredibly depressing is it to think that your death could be teased repeatedly on an awards show?

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