7:11 p.m. Who dressed Melissa Rivers in a turtleneck? Why does she have Superstar Barbie hair? What's with the rhinestone-studded mini? Nancy says Melissa's stylist must have a grudge against her. Maybe Nancy should write this, and I'll go watch the Dolphins game.

7:12 p.m. Nancy is too exhausted and stressed out to write this article for me. Stupid Nancy.

7:18 p.m. Stockard Channing alleges that everybody loves each other on "The West Wing."

7:20 p.m. Looks like Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing a retarded guy in an upcoming movie. You already have an Oscar, greedy. Nancy is talking to me but I'm not sure what she's saying because I'm trying to finish this sentence instead.

7:34 p.m. Jane Kaczmarek's earrings are bigger than her husband's head. Isn't Joan supposed to be sending us secret signals? What's her problem?

7:38 p.m. Joan asks Kim Cattrall how she maintains such a great figure, aside from the endless hours of grueling exercise. Instead of shrugging at her awesome luck, Cattrall says she diets every day of her life. "After 40, you have to."

7:44 p.m. Sarah Jessica Parker has her hair slicked back into a bun so tight, it appears to be pulling her face like a drum. Matthew Broderick looks distracted. I wonder if he's listening to the Dolphins game on an invisible headset that fits right into his ear. Nah, he's a softie Broadway kinda guy. He's probably just thinking about how bad his wife's hair looks.

7:49 p.m. Here's Jennifer Garner, saying hi to her grandmother in Texas.

7:53 p.m. The cast of "Will & Grace" are like a big family, they all love each other so much. "I love them like my brothers and sisters," says Debra Messing.

8 p.m. The Emmys are starting now, mercifully. Here comes Garry Shandling, to tell a few jokes and talk us down from our close encounters with warm, loving Hollywood families.

8:01 p.m. Shandling's telling a joke about the recall race in California. Just for the record, the only thing worse than jokes about Ben and J.Lo are 1) jokes about "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and 2) jokes about how many trillions of candidates are running for governor here.

8:03 p.m. Shandling: "I'm in syndication on Bravo. I'm the lead-in for 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'" Camera cuts to a close-up of Ellen DeGeneres. That's right, she's gay! Just like those guys on "Queer Eye"! See how much she loved that joke? That's because she's gay! It was a gay joke!

8:07 p.m. Inspired by Britney and Madonna, Brad Garrett and Garry Shandling kiss on the mouth. Another gay joke for the gays! I love this faux-acceptance of homosexuality thing that's going around. Now let's see Chip and Reichen do the same thing, and watch the audience cringe.

8:09 p.m. Doris Roberts wins something ... must be outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series. Maybe they should just cut to the chase and call tonight's theme "Everybody Loves Everybody Loves Raymond." But isn't it a little weird that they give you awards right before you leave the air, or right before you die? That seems a wee bit false to me. I'm not saying "Raymond" isn't great, but why do shows sweep like this, when it's their last season? It's too convenient.

8:13 p.m. Here's Wanda Sykes from the aisle: "What am I doing here? I should be at home, watching this on TV, booing y'all." Wanda wants to be just like me. This should make me feel better, but it doesn't.

8:20 p.m. Jon Stewart's sendup of sensationalist news is pretty great. I remember those Fox News clips of explosions to music when they first aired -- really heartwarming stuff. Sadly, Stewart can't just keep cracking jokes for the next hour and a half, and instead is forced to announce the next award, outstanding supporting actor in a comedy series, which goes to Brad Garrett from "Everybody Loves Raymond." Will everyone from "Raymond" win? The suspense is lulling me to sleep.

8:27 p.m. Nancy has been talking about how much extra responsibility she's taking on at work, but I've been tuning her out really effectively, don't you worry. I don't want you to miss a thing ... except when I leave the room for a few minutes. Darryl Hammond did an impression of Schwarzenegger while I was gone, but it's not that important, trust me.

8:31 p.m. Here comes Jeri Ryan, the hot Trekkie alien woman who moved to Boston and got a job working for the public school system. Even though she's no longer an alien, she still has really remarkable breasts. See? I won't let you miss anything important.

8:35 p.m. The Trekkie announced an award, but I was typing that thing about her breasts and missed it.

8:37 p.m. David Chase and his team got outstanding writing in a drama series for "The Sopranos." No surprise there. Oh hey -- here's the boyfriend! Dolphins won, 17-7!

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