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Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
"Queer Eye" jokes, J.Lo cracks, and yucks about actresses over 50 -- recounting the memorable moments of television's annual feel-good extravaganza.
Sep 22, 2003 | Here at Salon, we feel it's our duty to shield you readers from the mind-numbingly dull TV events that might pull you away from more important activities, like reading classic works of literature or watching paint dry. Much as you'd like to avoid four grueling hours of entertainers claiming to love each other dearly, wishing each other the very best and promising to feed each other's pets when they're on vacation, you still live in fear that someone in your office will refer to Jon Stewart's hilarious routine on the Emmys last night and you won't know what he's talking about.
There you'll be, stirring non-dairy creamer dust into your bitter office coffee, when that snarky whippersnapper from marketing will start yammering on about Sarah Jessica Parker's awful hairstyle, and this little voice in your head will berate you for being such a crusty old loser. And even though you thought you effectively shoved a big wool sock in the mouth of that little voice years ago through countless hours of expensive therapy, you'll still wish that you had at least a little inkling of what happened on that tedious awards show the night before.
See how well we know you?
Thus, here at Salon, we get an actual loser (like me, for example) to watch more than four worthless hours of television so that you can roast pork loin and plant begonias and do crossword puzzles and talk to your kids about drugs. Thanks to us, you can have an enriching, relaxing night and you can still chat with that jerk from marketing the next day about Martin Short and "Will & Grace" and how surprised you were about whatever stupid thing I decide is surprising over the next four hours of my life, hours that will be wasted completely, hours that I will never have back, ever.
So let's begin, shall we?
5:30 p.m. The Dolphins look pumped up for this game. Mike Patrick can't understate the importance of this early season matchup against their division rivals, the Bills. My boyfriend flips through the channels and I spot a promo for the Emmys. The Emmys, the Emmys ... Why does that seem important? Then I remember my assignment and break it to my boyfriend that, due to an important work assignment, it looks like he's going to miss the second half of the Miami game.
6:40 p.m. So I have to watch the show over at my friend Nancy's, whose TV is pretty small, but whose couch is much more comfortable than I thought it would be. I hope I can manage to write this thing while she's talking to me, because she seems prepared to do so throughout the entire broadcast.
6:43 p.m. Joan Rivers appears to be wearing an ostrich around her shoulders. She can't get off the Ben and J.Lo jokes. "Do you think Ben and J.Lo broke up because he called her 'J.Ho'?" Don't believe everything you read in the papers, Joan.
6:45 p.m. Joan says she's going to give us a secret sign when she hates someone's outfit. When she scratches her face, that's how the viewers at home will know to ignore the compliments flowing from her mouth. Joan, you evil whore.
6:46 p.m. Here comes Courtney Thorne-Smith, who's engaged to be married once more (triumph!) and has the mannerisms of a drunk debutante. Joan doesn't scratch her face, nor does she ask Courtney if she'll be on the cover of In Style in her wedding dress again this time.
6:53 p.m. Bob, the new Bachelor, appears to be 8 feet tall, but Joan gets bored with him almost immediately because she only likes real stars who live in her neighborhood or share her podiatrist.
6:58 p.m. Joan's ostrich is struggling to fly away. Jorja Fox from "CSI" says, "I thought we were gonna do eight shows and then get canceled." Hey, so did we.
7:02 p.m. Nancy says she wishes she could stop being so hard on herself. "Joe Millionaire's" Evan Marriott has grown a curious mustache-less goatee. Thora Birch from "American Beauty" now has blond hair. Why is the sun still up in Hollywood when out Nancy's window about three miles away, it's getting dark out? It says "live." Why do they lie to us like this? Oh. Nancy says it's only live on the East Coast. That makes sense. Nancy says that even when she gets a lot done, she feels like she hasn't accomplished enough.
7:06 p.m. Robin Williams is vomiting a steady flow of jokes about the California election. For once, Joan is tongue-tied, and then proclaims him a genius, "one of the few I respect." Which geniuses don't you respect, Joan? Nancy says she feels like she's getting an ulcer.
