Continuing in the same sadistic vein, each week the group was forced to pose in increasingly harsh conditions that ranged from uncomfortable to excruciating: on freezing cold rooftops in bikinis when it was 8 degrees outside, in lingerie on top of a hot male model, or half naked with a boa constrictor, culminating in a nude shoot in which Bible-thumping Robin refused to participate. But the fashion shoots were the least of their worries, since the women had to prance seductively in 8-inch stilettos, navigate the subways of Paris under a deadline in a scene straight out of "The Amazing Race," and subjugate themselves to a mandatory on-camera bikini wax.

Remarkably, at least one of the contestants kept her perspective given the arduous tasks before her. When asked about the hardships of modeling, Elyse told Steppin' Out Magazine, "There are hidden difficulties like refraining from cuticle picking, relaxing protruding neck tendons, and creatively concealing scoliosis. All in all, though, as you may guess, it's not hard labor. I suspect it is significantly easier to march back and forth 50 yards in high heels than it is to mine coal or build bridges."

Indeed, the women's worst enemy continued to be each other. First, the ever-preaching Robin was horrified by Elyse, a self-proclaimed "militant atheist," and expressed her tolerance by showing Elyse a verse from the Bible that read, "Foolish is the man who says there is no God." Next, Elyse lost her mind and attacked everyone in a private bitch session with the camera. A sample: "Giselle, you fucking worthless cunt. You are so wasteful, bitchy, stupid, you're worthless. Your parents must be ashamed of you." Soon thereafter, Ebony's girlfriend visited, and Robin loudly proclaimed that she "disagreed" with homosexuality. "Ebony is a lesbian, and I find this offensive," she sniffed. "Everybody has to deal with their own sin." Then, the group decided that Elyse had an eating disorder, and worked themselves into a lather over it without bothering to discuss it with Elyse.

Yes, these are the kinds of ugly, ridiculously petty battles that shallow freaks like myself live for. But what's truly amazing is that, through all their sniping and battles, most of the contestants became more and more likable. Elyse, who was entertainingly blunt but a little too harsh early on, proved to be remarkably smart, funny and good-natured, considering she had a severe disdain for the whole production. Adrianne, whose behavior alternated between goofy, melodramatic, naive and clever, wound up creating some of the best moments and tossing off the funniest one-liners of the show. Even Shannon, who was exceedingly strait-laced and dull, turned on the charm, loosened up, and managed to win the affections of the judges. Were there real, gradual changes in these women's attitudes, or was the illusion of the perfect character arc created by some seriously skilled editing? Only those tricksy postproduction editors know for certain.

The only contestant who became less and less bearable was Robin, who, by last week, found it impossible to contain her disdain for the sinners around her. Forced to cut the group down to three, Janice envisioned a tiny step up from Jay's fast-food job for Robin when she argued in favor of her elimination: "It's clear that Robin doesn't have the personality to be a top model. She should be working at Avis!" And so the judges sent Robin off, and wished her the best of luck with her future offering the Good Word to unsuspecting callers seeking little more than a midsize sedan with power steering.

Then, in the shocker of Tuesday night's finale, Elyse, widely favored to win it all, was eliminated halfway through the show, leaving shy blond Shannon and rocker Adrianne to battle it out for the title. Elyse's parting words were surprisingly humble: "Tyra told me that I was arrogant and condescending in my speech and in my interactions with others, and I think that she was right." Adrianne put it a little differently: "I would think I would go home up against Elyse, just because she's a genius, and I'm a high school dropout." Lucky for Adrianne, though, it seems that dropouts have a much easier time shaking that ass without smirking and rolling their eyes.

When it came down to the final fashion show, the judges agreed that "all-American virgin" Shannon had the edge despite weeks of appearing too blandly mainstream to make it in the world of high fashion, whatever that is. Still, Adrianne's pictures were undeniably better, plus the judges just seemed to like her a little more. So, Adrianne was awarded a modeling contract, a photo shoot and some other stuff, along with the dubious title. She was duly moved, and in her typical understated fashion, claimed that her life, plus the lives of every member of her family, would be happy and perfect from that day forward.

The rest of us, of course, are left to flip burgers and book rental cars, deriving what little joy we can from the promise of an eventual second season of "America's Next Top Model."

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