Sunday, Sep 7, 2008
A funky porno-style soundtrack plays in the background and the voice-over growls, "First up -- world-renowned plastic surgeon Dr. Garth Fisher, a board-certified cosmetic surgeon" who "has been voted one of the top surgeons in his field!"
The insanely popular plastic surgeon listens raptly as Guthrie explains the aging process to him. "What I've been noticing," she says solemnly, "is a lot of droopiness and sagging in my face, my cheeks, my neck. In addition, my eyes, they seem to ... I'm getting a lot more wrinkles."
"Ah yes, wrinkles!" the doctor's concerned face seems to say. "One of the most common signs of aging! Clearly you are, indeed, growing old, and therefore need immediate surgery."
Corder, who does have a clear need for lip surgery, is asked what else she might like done, you know, while they're at it.
"Stomach is not bad, but it could be better ..." she starts, and by the end of her consultation, the fairly fit-looking 29-year-old has signed up for a breast lift, a tummy tuck, some teeth bleaching and filing, and Lasik eye surgery.
The surgeries themselves don't hold many surprises: Anesthesia looks really enjoyable -- a nurse makes a barely discernible comment right before sticking an oxygen mask on Corder, something along the lines of "now she'll stop talking" -- and recovery looks unbelievably awful. Corder has stitches in her lips and looks pretty uncomfortable, but she seems fine compared to Guthrie, who emerges from surgery looking like the survivor of a fiery crash. Her head is totally obscured in bandages and she says she's nauseated.
The surgeon visits her two days later and says, "This is always one of the best days," while the camera does a close-up on a drain filled with blood and liquid attached to her head. The voice-over grumbles, "Afterward, Dr. Fisher must rewrap her head to keep the swelling down." Sounds like a great day to me.
Once the two contestants are mobile again, the show speeds through the rest of their transformation -- exercise, hair, makeup, clothes. Perhaps the creators recognize that we've witnessed such nonextreme fare a million times before. Corder does a few push-ups and eats some organic food, Guthrie shops for clothes and gets a trendy haircut. We only see each of them from the back, to build the suspense of that final moment of truth when each woman's family and friends will see the "new" her for the first time.
Finally, the big day arrives, and friends and family are seated at tables facing a spotlighted ministage. After a lot of yammering intended to add to the rising tension, Corder emerges looking just like she did before, only without the lip problem. She's wearing a dress, a little makeup and some hair extensions, but the impact would be more dramatic if we could see her with her old dreads, in her own, far cooler clothes. Still, her friends and family seem relieved that she's in one piece and doesn't look like a different person.
Next, it's Guthrie's turn, and her husband, Wally, seems almost giddy in anticipation. Sounding more like a man whose old Corvette has just been repainted cherry red, he blurts, "I'm obviously excited! I'm about to see my bride, minus 10 years! Hee hee hee!"
Sounds like what Mommy really needs to do "for me" is go straight to the nearest divorce lawyer's office -- OK, maybe she could swing by Sephora on the way there. But this is TV! We've got no time for errands! Spotlight, please!
Guthrie emerges looking perky and cute and nothing at all like her former self. In fact, with her new button nose and face-lifty taut skin, she looks more like a talk-show host than a stay-at-home mother of three. I'm almost surprised when her young kids don't run away crying and screaming, "You're not my Mommy!" They flash a before and after picture and I already miss Guthrie's old face, which, with all its flaws, had its own distinct character.
But who needs character, when it means looking like an old woman? No one wants to look like an old woman! Besides, to hear the experts at "Extreme Makeover" tell it, going under the knife is the shortest, most direct path to empowerment. Do you really believe it was the Cabala that gave Madonna smooth skin and a thinner nose?
The best thing about "Extreme Makeover," then, is the important lessons it teaches you. And at night, when you go to bed, may you dream of Georgia O'Keeffe with the face of a talk-show host.
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