One of the things I do like that Tom Green does is that he has relationships with the house band and the sidekick and he gets some comedy out of that. He works off them to some degree. The best thing about having a sidekick, especially Wil, is that if things aren't going well for me, he often can save it. Having that rhythm is important. We had Kevin Nealon on once, and the pattern was: Kevin says something, and it gets a little bit of a laugh. I say something, it kind of goes a little flat. And then Wil says something and it gets a huge laugh. We just kind of adapted that weird pattern. Thank God Wil was there. For whatever reason, the rhythm that Kevin and I were into was a little off, so whenever Wil came in it made all of the stuff we did before funnier.

It must be kind of exciting not to know what's going to happen every night, like what kind of chemistry you're going to get.

Absolutely! The best part of the show is that people you never thought would be funny ... We had Robert Carradine last season. You know, "Kung Fu"?

Yeah, I was at that show. That was great.

Thanks. You know, he's no comedy legend. But I think it was entertaining because I was willing to be playful and let his playful side come out a little bit.

It helped that he was a nut. But he started out straight and got stranger and stranger, thanks to your encouragement.

Or with someone like Jeff Conaway from "Taxi" -- this is what makes my show different. This guy isn't gonna get booked on a network talk show, but we had him and we sold the place out and it was a blast. We were there to celebrate him, and there ended up being very funny segments even though he's not really a comedian. That's one of the things I'm proud of, and it's a tough thing: How do you make it entertaining when the people you have are entertainers, but they're not conversationally hilarious?

Another thing we do is interview the musical guests, and that's where a lot of the big surprises come up. You get these wacky musicians and sometimes that's where we get our best laughs.

Most talk shows don't do that.

Unless they're huge stars, and even then sometimes they don't do it.

I saw the one where you had a scat-singing contest ...

Oh, you were there for that? That was one of my favorite segments.

It was great! And Wil Wheaton won!

Can you believe it?

He was the best scatter in the universe!

That night he was. We came up with that skit that day, because some other thing wasn't working. I was sort of picturing it in my head, and I thought, "We'll get rid of Wil quickly."

It was such a weird thing, because it was impossible not to get invested in it. It was such a shock that Wil could do it at all, that you started to really want him to win.

That's what you want, for people to get caught up in the tension of it.

Why does everyone want their own talk show?

I think people think it looks fun.

It looks hellish to me. You'd have to be wildly dysfunctional to be that extroverted for that much of your life.

Thank you.

I'm just saying, it's almost like people with great social skills can't resist trying it.

That's funny, because my shrink came to one of my shows early on, and I asked her what she thought and she said that I'm an introvert who, using social skills, appears to be an extrovert. That sums it up well. Because I'm doing a persona. I'm not always on like that. But it is using social skills that I often wish I had away from performing.

Writing is the same way.

But it's still a natural part of you.

Right, but I don't walk around spewing my opinion to anyone who'll listen, unless there are strong margaritas involved. You're not going to walk into a party and act like a talk-show host. You wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Right. Unless there are hot chicks there and I thought it would work.

Yeah. I bet a lot of talk-show hosts fit the same description: introverts pretending to be extroverts. David Letterman doesn't strike me as an extroverted human being.

He's not at all, he's totally shy. But I get the feeling that people think being a talk-show host is easier than it is, and that it's a good way to get your personality out there. If you're a comedian, how many opportunities are there where you can make a lot of money and be on TV every night and be able to put your stamp on something? If you're lucky and you have a stamp, that is.

Why do people watch these shows?

A lot of it is the celebrity element. People want to see the stars and whatnot. And it doesn't require a lot of effort to watch, usually. Late at night, because it's so presentational, you don't have to get involved with the plot and the segments are kind of short. Personally, I watch them because they're funny and entertaining.

It's like hanging out with an old friend.

That's what they said about Johnny Carson. People said they felt like they knew him. But, you know, at least Tom Green has experience. Whether his show is successful or not, I'm glad someone's getting a talk show who has experience having done a talk show, because what's frustrating for me is when they give a celebrity a talk show and it doesn't go well and they cancel it. Then the rap I get when I say I want to be a talk-show host is, "Well, talk shows don't work. I mean, such-and-such a celebrity had a talk show and it didn't work. If their show didn't work, why do you think yours would? No one's even heard of you."

Do you think it'll happen for you eventually?

I'm confident in very few things in my life, but this is one of them. I know I can do it, and I think eventually I'll get the opportunity to. I don't know exactly when or exactly how or exactly where, but I really feel strongly that this is what I do. This is what I have to give to the world.

It's too bad that networks don't give their shows more time to get established now. David Letterman had years to hone his craft. He won an Emmy early on, but he built an audience over the course of many years.

And to be fair, Conan has had a long time, too. He got lambasted when his first show came out. Everybody hated it. Then a few years later, Entertainment Weekly, the same magazine that had pretty much taken his head, has him on the cover celebrating the "Return of the Talk Show," whatever it was. But yeah, definitely. And look at Wayne Brady's show. I don't know anyone who watches that, and that won an Emmy this year.

Who knows? CBS doesn't have a show after Kilborn right now, maybe they want one. I think it's gonna happen. Don't crush my dream quite yet.

Hey, I couldn't crush your dream if I wanted to. It's not exactly a cowardly thing, putting on a talk show in front of a live audience. If you haven't given up after five years of this, you never will. When I'm 83 I'll probably be taking my Geritol to the sound of your cackling laughter every night.

Geritol: Proud sponsor of the J. Keith van Straaten Show.

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