The men's picnic turns out to be a flop. By the end of the day, Versacorp has netted a paltry $250, while the Barbie Dreamhouse is in full swing: $1,200 of lemonade and sexual favors wins them the competition. Thus, the girls win a trip to the Donald's personal pad while the men will lose a team member. Sam, the Internet media guru from D.C., is openly jealous. "I want access to Trump. I want to get to know that guy!" he blurts at the camera.

As it turns out, the Donald lives in a hideous, gold-encrusted cavern that resembles the lobby of a hopelessly tacky Las Vegas casino. The girls oooh and aaah over the delicious excess of the setting, of course, and blurt at the Donald's spectacularly beautiful in-house supermodel, "You're very, very lucky." "He is not lucky?" she responds, and you have to admit, Kristy McNichol should really thank his lucky stars.

Then Trump himself saunters in, and the girls squeal and giggle in delight.

Trump: Hello, everybody! Congratulations. So look, if you're really successful, you'll all live just like this.

Contestant: We can only wish!

Trump: Maybe not like this. Or maybe even better. But if you're really successful, this is what it is. And it's fun.

Trump: [to camera] I show this apartment to very few people. Presidents. Kings.

Trump: Let me give you a little tour.

Contestants: OK!

Trump: [to camera] And they walk in, they look around, and they really can't believe what they're seeing. They just feel it's amazing.

Trump: And if we watch over here...

Close-up on an awful gold-encrusted fountain.

Contestants: Oh my gosh! Wow!

Kristi: [to camera] We got to see a different side of him, a more personable side. He was having a lot more fun. He gave us some advice. He said, work hard and have fun. And I really, truly believe that that's how he runs his life.

Tammy: [gazing up at a chandelier] Oh my gosh, this is so rich! This is really, like, rich!

If watching these future business leaders of America drool all over the marble floors isn't enough to get you liquidating those small-cap growth funds, witnessing the macho buffoonery of the threatened Versacorp competitors should do the trick. The men are full of jittery arrogance in "The Boardroom" (think Tribal Council), where they're forced to consult with the Donald on which head should roll. They narrow it down to Troy, who was the leader of their lemonade catastrophe; Sam, who spent 20 minutes trying to sell a cup of lemonade to a rich guy for $1,000; and David, an M.D./MBA hybrid whose main crime seems to be that he's too educated to interact naturally with other humans.

Trump dismisses from the meeting everyone but Sam, Troy and David, who spend some awkward moments waiting for Trump's decision in the next room. Sam is feeling desperate, so he sets about demonstrating the curious side effects of severe narcissism, trotting out his delusions of grandeur for the bemusement of the other two.

"I want to be the president of a Trump organization. I can't do it today. I can't do it today. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm like this," Sam says. He gets on his hands and knees as Troy and David cringe visibly. "Today I'm crawling. Tomorrow, I'm gonna be like this [halfway up]. Next week, I'm gonna be like this [standing]. And in a couple of weeks, I'm gonna stand up there, just like he does, and I'm gonna be promoted to the president of his organization."

While Sam is tragic and pathetic in his own way, his outburst mostly hints that he's at least a little sharper than the other two. This is television, after all, and anyone who's willing to embody gritty determination in a demented, melodramatic way is sure to stick around for a while. Most of all, Sam is signaling that he belongs in the club. After all, plenty of America's wealthiest businessmen are narcissists and delusional jackasses, and Sam may be exactly the flavor of freak show that makes it in this crazy, mixed-up world. Sensing this, Trump sends nerdy David home instead, and Sam and Troy make a big show of shaking hands before returning to celebrate with their fellow panderers.

Who will win it all? If the first episode is any indication, the winner will be the contestant who carves out the most mesmerizing narrative for him- or herself, presenting an over-the-top character with a riveting mix of charms and flaws, one who seems to overcome adversity through sheer force of will, attracting as many detractors as fans along the way. The winner, in other words, will be a mirror image of Trump. Who could the Donald possibly respect more?

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