Even though they just started dating, these two bickered like an old married couple. If you've navigated your fair share of crappy relationships, it's tough to resist the perverse thrill offered by watching a couple break out into a heated argument about nothing.

Russell: We're not playing as cutthroat as some people ... We may argue amongst ourselves, or whatever, but ...

Cindy: That's the stuff we got to avoid ... I think our weakest link between us is because of this between us.

Russell: Yeah, but see that's not, that isn't slowing us down.

Cindy: Oh, I think it absolutely is.

Russell: Alright, see, you're actually getting on my nerves right now.

Unfortunately, when contestants want to strangle each other, it seems to take a toll on team spirit, and Cindy and Russell were sent packing that day.

But if the award went to the pair who successfully combined vitriolic outbursts with a burning desire to kick ass, Tian and Jaree would be the clear winners. The two women, described as "Models" and, less convincingly, "Friends," were perhaps the most spectacular combatants of the season, hurling insults to each other's faces and to the camera without tact, remorse, or shame.

Tian: You can't keep up! In the footraces we've done so far, you're always in the back!

Jaree (voiceover): I feel like she's judging me to death, but not for any other reason than to make herself look good.

Jaree: Quit trying to demean me, OK?

Like a fault-finding wife hell-bent on shaming her husband into behaving, Tian regularly denigrated Jaree in front of the other teams.

Tian: You're holding onto stuff you don't need, and you can't run with it!

Jaree (leaving): You know what? I cannot sit with you. I cannot look at you.

Tian (following her): I'm gonna sit here and bitch until you take shit out.

Jaree: We're in public, we're on a train. Do me a favor and shut up!

A few seats over, engaged couple Kelly and Jon giggled and pointed. These two would seem like a mean-spirited, pathetic pairing, if they didn't roll with the punches so well despite their verbal sparring. They're one of those deceptive duos who call each other idiots and tell each other to fuck off constantly, but don't hold grudges and never seem worried about the longevity of their relationship. Kelly regularly questions Jon's decisions and calls him a dummy, then gets a big crow-eating grin when he's right. Jon returns the favor by jeering at her when she's trying to complete a task.

On a recent show, he insisted on instructing her on how to break some boards with her fists, even though she kept telling him to keep quiet. Her knuckles bleeding from a few failed attempts, it was obvious that she was in serious pain, struggling not to break into tears. Finally, Jon said, "Imagine the board is my face. That's my face! Hit my face! Hit my face!" Kelly promptly smashed the boards in two with a resounding karate chop, proving once again that this is a show with more good old-fashioned laughs than "The Honeymooners."

But if you really want to meet the Bickersons, check out virgins Millie and Chuck, who've been dating for 12 years without sleeping together. Globetrotting with sexual tension so thick you can't cut it with a Ginsu knife sounds sexy, doesn't it? Well, get a load of cold, bossy, asthmatic Millie, whining and rolling her eyes at withdrawn, wishy-washy, panic-stricken Chuck, and I guarantee you'll sooner hope for circus clowns Jon and Al to bump uglies.

Not surprisingly, the pressure gets to the Crabby Virgins a lot faster than some of the other couples. Since fate seems to enjoy torturing this pious Christian pairing, the two decide to stay up late every night strategizing instead of shagging and then catching some shut-eye like other healthier, more sin-friendly teams. Here's some groundbreaking strategy for you two: Stop freaking out and get some sleep.

You have to hand it to the Virgins for rubbing everyone else the wrong way, though. It's the kind of situation that does a reality casting-director proud every time. While Chip and Millie almost get into a fistfight over a horse-drawn carriage, Jon and Kelly repeatedly refer to Millie as "Millie the Mole" -- due, cruelly enough, to the large mole on her face. "Millie the Mole, she's a little jack rabbit, she's on my nerves!" Kelly snips, and it's easy enough to believe that Kelly is the little jerk here, until Millie proves herself to be consistently high strung and pissy for most of the second half of the race.

During a "traditional Malaysian good luck blessing" which gay beauties Chip and Reichen report was like "getting married all over again" and even The Clowns thought was "special," open-minded Millie says, "Being a Christian, it was just a little unusual. I mean, what could they be saying? They could be putting a voodoo chant on us!" This from the woman who put a voodoo chant on Chuck at the racetrack, shrieking at him to hurry the hell up while he was clearly having a panic attack. "I feel tight! Hot and tight!" he mumbled. "It's not good timing, I know!" After 12 years of virginity, your timing is apt to be awful. But was Chuck experiencing claustrophobia, or some kind of a waking wet dream?

As if to make up for the cutthroat tactics, smeared eyeliner and matching outfits of Team Guido during the first season, the show's producers chose to cast hopeless romantics Chip and Reichen, thereby giving gay reality adventurers a far prettier, friendlier face. Aside from The Clowns, Reichen is easily the most likable contestant on the show this season: he's smart, easy on the eyes, and calmer than a cucumber in almost every situation, whether he's pulling a piece of a still-wriggling Octopus tentacle off his teeth or navigating an aquarium filled with great white sharks. And, on top of his grace, nice manners and striking good looks, he rarely seems to make mistakes. It's no wonder the only battle worth watching here involves Chip's relationship to himself. He berates himself constantly for not trusting Reichen's instincts or not following Reichen's lead. Most of the time, it seems like he's just mad at himself for not being Reichen -- and can you blame him? It almost makes you glad that you're not dating an even-tempered Adonis. But not quite.

As the season nears an end, three teams -- Kelly and Jon, Chip and Reichen, and David and Jeff -- battle it out for the title of Bestest Couple Around ... oh yeah, and the million-dollar prize. At this point in the game, all three couples are so tightly wound, they look like they drank half a pitcher of strong coffee and then sat through several hours of couples therapy. So it's not surprising when Jon wrecks the dune buggy and Chip runs over Reichen's foot in an SUV. It's annoying that the bland frat boys, David and Jeff, are pulling into the lead, unhampered as they are by the baggage that comes with sexual intimacy -- for now, anyway.

But forget the winners. What we really want to know is, will Millie and Chuck ever sleep together? Are Russell and Cindy just friends again? Are Amanda and Chris even speaking? If ever a show was ripe for a postmortem special, this one is it.

No doubt about it, "The Amazing Race" is the ultimate litmus test for a relationship. If only all engaged couples were forced to sleep on the streets of India or navigate the hinterlands of South Korea before they got married, divorce rates in this country would decline faster than you can say, "Do me a favor and shut up!"

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