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Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Watch as bastions of alterna-Jays and wannabe-Daves try to out-snark each other! Thrill as Tom Green battles the late-night TV glut, armed only with a pair of googly eyes and a mile-wide sociopathic streak!
Jul 19, 2003 | When did talk-show host become the most coveted job around? Most of us can remember a simpler time, when kids used to daydream about being rock stars, or pro basketball players, or White House press secretaries. Now everyone from Jimmy Kimmel to Wayne Brady has his very own talk show, and new hopefuls are joining the fray every day.
With so many gunning for title of alternative talk god, you have to wonder: Is there something in our tap water that mutates normal children into smooth-talking, glad-handing gab monkeys, or are we witnessing the insidious long-term effects of the really bad toys of the '70s? You can almost see little Colin/Carson/Conan on that fateful day when his goldfish died/parents got divorced/best friend called him a "red-headed stepchild," and, after crying his eyes out for 20 minutes on the Sit 'n' Spin, Daddy consoled him by driving to K-mart, where, lo and behold, there was a blue-light special on the Mister Microphone.
With roots like these, it isn't hard to see where the current crop of alterna-Jays developed their own unique style of jaded interviewing and snide joke delivery -- you know, the one that sets them apart from all the rest? Tom Green is the latest to throw his hat into the alternative talk-show ring, revamping his format and trotting out his telltale brand of googly-eyed weirdness for a late night crowd on "The New Tom Green Show" (weeknights at 12 midnight on MTV). Years with a Mister Microphone aside, though, have Green or any of the other alternative talking heads ever stopped to ask themselves, "Am I actually any good at this?"
After all, talk-show hosts are sort of like cult leaders: Just because one or two hypnotically charismatic individuals can pull it off, that doesn't mean that anybody's gonna drink your Kool-Aid. If most of us can barely stand watching late-night greats "Johnny Carson and David Letterman chitchat with movie stars night after night, why would we want to suffer through a mere mortal's attempt at the same song and dance? It's downright odd that so many are embracing a format that not only feels antiquated compared to most TV shows, but also requires a rare gift to pull off.
Tom Green does have a rare gift for harassing people on camera. Whether he's teasing Monica Lewinsky, dropping a bloody cow's head into his parents' bed at 3 a.m. or encouraging his grandmother to beat eggs with a vibrator, Green pushes the limits of what will make others -- and his viewers -- uncomfortable. He's that new variety of celebrity who's defined not by his particular skills or talents, but by what he lacks: He has no ethical boundaries, no concern for stepping on toes, no qualms about embarrassing anyone, from strangers to close relatives, and, above all, no shame.
Either Green had his superego removed at birth or he's some strange new flavor of sociopath. But regardless of its origins, his lack of concern for social codes affords him a lot of freedom, the kind of freedom that makes for really good television. Why, then, after years on a cable-access channel in Canada and a healthy show on MTV, has Green suddenly decided to move into a traditional, nightly talk-show format, one that fits his talents about as well as a pair of bicycle pants fits a goat?
True, Green isn't exactly green when it comes to entertaining an audience, particularly when it involves shocking complete strangers into stunned silence, as he did on his old show when he purchased condoms at a local drugstore.
Green (to the cashier): "I'm just gonna buy these condoms, because I'm planning on making love to a woman tonight, and I'm really excited about that."
Cashier: "OK."
Green: "You must be saying to yourself, 'Boy, who's the lucky lady who's gonna get to spend the evening with this man of steel?' Anyway, I'll just pay for those."
Cashier: "OK. Is that everything?"
Green: "It must be kind of weird for you, holding those condoms, considering we both know where they're gonna end up."
Cashier: "Yeah, I guess so."
Green: "Yeah. It's kind of a weird situation for me too, you know, Carrie. Your name's Carrie, right?"
Cashier: "Yeah."
Tom: "I figure I should know your name since you're touching my condoms."
Female bystander: "Do you really think that's funny?"
Green: "I think it's really important to buy condoms because it's the '90s, and sexually transmitted diseases ... "
Female bystander: "How about trying abstinence?"
Green: "Abstinence? Do you wear that? Is that like a jockey strap?"
Like the pranksters on "Crank Yankers" or "Jackass," Green is a shameless provocateur and an unflinching weirdo. But as good as he is at milking every drop of humor out of ridiculous or dead-end situations, he doesn't interact with strangers so much as disturb and upset them. It's not surprising, then, that he's not exactly skilled at establishing a solid rapport with his guests.
While it's tough to imagine Green tolerating the self-involved prattle of celebrities, he barely seems able to listen to them at all, moving on to his next question without pausing to react to their anecdotes or laugh at their bad jokes. This makes even showy guests like Chris Kattan nervous, while antagonists like Andy Dick grab the wheel and drive off the nearest cliff.
On a recent show, as Dick and Marilyn Manson discussed "The Real World," Green tried to segue awkwardly into bringing out the next guest. "You know who's from 'The Real World,' is Trishelle is from 'The Real World' ..." he stuttered, to which Dick snapped, "Don't bring her out yet." Such a strange interaction might seem irreverent and unpredictable and truly alternative, if it weren't so creepy and uncomfortable.
Creepy and uncomfortable have always been the primary selling points of Green's brand, but they simply aren't that palatable in the context of a talk show. Like an overwhelmed substitute teacher, he has trouble getting his guests' attention, let alone their respect. Even Letterman, for all his goofiness, has an intense manner and a slightly intimidating air, which comes in handy when he wants people to answer his questions or follow his lead. In the face of challenges, though, Green seems unsettled or dumbfounded. You almost wish he'd use some of the resources that got him here -- try shoving his face very close to the guests, maybe, or yelling something at them until they shut up.
