This goes on for seven levels, as long as the contestant's stress level does not exceed a predetermined limit. If it exceeds that limit, the game is automatically over. If it doesn't, the contestant may proceed to the electric shock torture and the swarming insect chamber to answer more questions about Burger King.

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By comparison, ABC's "The Chair" looks like a trip to the dentist -- unpleasant, but not so bad after you've emerged from a torture cell -- although it may just seem that way because of the big dentist's chair in the middle of a bizarre set that seems to be part "1984," part "Blue Velvet," part Valentine's Day in an S/M dungeon. In the role of both the good dentist and the bad dentist is John McEnroe, who is hosting "The Chair" for reasons only he and his accountant know.

McEnroe stands behind a golden podium. In front is an odd padded red vinyl backdrop, below a huge monitor where his image is mirrored. From there he makes rather wistful allusions to his days as a holy terror. McEnroe has been roundly panned for his performance as a game-show host, but I'm sentimental and I can't help feeling just like I did when I was 11. Neither can any of the female contestants who are old enough to remember. Which explains why much of the banter revolves around him, and why he seems slightly embarrassed at the attention. One contestant gushes about how her father, a Stanford professor, used to sigh, "Stanford grad," when he watched Mac play.

"I never graduated from Stanford," McEnroe snaps. It's a little awkward.

Anyway, on "The Chair," contestants are strapped into "the chair" with a heart monitor attached to their wrists. Then they are asked questions about magazine titles and McDonald's commercials. Should their heart rates rise above a predetermined level, they are disallowed from answering the question.

Yes, you could see where they would be mad at Fox. But even though "The Chair" is undeniably tame compared to "The Chamber," it is also more fun to watch (John McEnroe! Is anyone else excited?), falling somewhere between a quiz show and a Monty Python sketch. Flames surround contestants at a safe distance, sledgehammers bang together in the distance and occasionally an alligator is lowered over a participant's head. Swarming bees are introduced, but they are kept safely in their cage. Like "Fear Factor," without the fear.

Asked what the worst thing about "The Chamber" is, one contestant replied, "The water squirting under my arms. That was not cool." "The Chair," by contrast, seems to be largely about mental anguish caused by little more than the presence of cameras, an audience and John McEnroe.

"What rattled me the most was the sound of my own heart beating," one defeated contestant says.

While this must make all those "Chamber" contestants feel really stupid, it's not entirely accurate. The worst thing about both "The Chamber" and "The Chair" is the questions, which demonstrate how faithfully and well Americans are able to answer questions about fast-food commercials while under extreme mental and physical duress. Not only are the days when the quiz show host doubled as pitchman officially back ("Geritol cures tired blood!"), but contestants now pay for the privilege to name that brand in sweat, snot and tachycardia.

Fox, by the way, is pulling "The Chamber" to make room for more "Malcolm in the Middle" and "That '70s Show" reruns. While this definitely constitutes an improvement, it may not go far enough. How about "Malcolm in the Middle of a Mazar-i-Sharif Stadium" instead? Or "That '70s Hijacking Show"?

I'm just saying think about it.

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